Farts are funny. I don’t care who you are.

Early this morning (at 3:32 a.m. precisely) I woke from the most peculiar dream. I dreamt that I had been blogging about advice that many women should live by and, strangely enough, I woke up laughing.  I believe it was my mind’s way of letting me know that my blogs haven’t been funny enough lately and, admittedly, my mind was correct. I have been having attacks of nostalgia lately and my sense of ha has seemed to escape me.  So, without further ado, here are a few pieces of advice I have collected throughout the years from women I know.  Even though I am only repeating what I have heard, I must say that much of this advice has merit.

  1. For those women who have a problem passing gas around others (ha ha, I’m laughing already): If you are lying in bed with a new love or even a long time love and you feel the urge to “let one rip”, sneakily reach down to your buttocks with one hand and pull one butt cheek off to the side.  The “intruder” will slip out without making the familiar “pffffffrrrrt” sound and, aside from the smell, the man will be none the wiser.  I’m sorry.  It may be sad for a woman to admit this, but I find farts extremely funny.  (For those of you who know me, remind me to tell you the story of how Greg cleared half a cruise ship with a small SBD and sent his parents into almost epileptic fits of laughter.  I was mortified).
  2. For any women who love to shop, but who have a spouse who hounds you about buying new clothes:  The next time your guy says, ‘New shirt?” Just put a look of exasperation on your face and say, “Oh no. I’ve had this old thing forever.  It’s just been in my closet forever.”  Chances are, your guy will not know the difference because, as one of my aunts says, men are notoriously unobservant. As an aside, I use this trick on my husband all the time and he still hasn’t caught on.
  3. For those women who are involved in the dating scene: Going on a first date?  Pack your purse chock full of tampons and pads and, if the guy is getting too frisky, open it up and “accidentally” let them spill out. Guaranteed your date will back off and you can relax and get to know him a bit better. (Yes, men, we women are full of all sorts of tricks for getting out of bad date situations!!!!).
  4. Back to the farting theme.  I learned this one from a friend I had in university. Hilarious: If you are a woman and you have to tooty toot toot and you are around a group of guys, casually walk over and do the deed while standing amongst the guys.  99.99% of the time, one of the men in the group will claim it was him just to get a good laugh out of his friends. It’s even better when you can walk away, pumping your hand in front of your nose and making grossed out faces.  This makes the men laugh even harder and none of them ever suspect it was you who did the deed.

I could probably go on all night, but Greg has just been reading this over my shoulder and just said, ‘What?  Is #2 true?” Ha Ha Ha, “No honey, of course not…”  Maybe I’ll add to this blog another day when his eyes aren’t peering over my shoulder!!

That’s all I have for tonight. I still have to finish the story of Big Red goes to the Kootenays.  For now, here’s a few pics from today.

The first couple are of the flowers that Kolby bought me for spending time writing stories with him once each week (to improve his reading/writing skills).  They are soooooo beautiful and I had to take some shots of them so I wouldn’t forget how gorgeous they are.

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The next one is a rather cute pic of Greg cuddling with Juno last night. I took it with our Point & Shoot Canon, so you’ll have to forgive the quality.

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And the last one is a pic of me, Greggor and Juno on our hike this afternoon. We headed up the mountain behind the pulp mill because the mill’s on shut down right now and there’s no smoke stack to choke on.  It was a nice hike, except for the bazillion cacti that Juno kept stepping on. Poor little guy had to keep pulling them out (when we couldn’t get to him with the tweezers fast enough). He’s a trooper though and seems none the worse for wear. I’m not sure what was going on with Greg’s hat in this picture (and he looks fairly grumpy grumperson), but it was pretty up there.

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I’m still laughing about my memories of Greg clearing the inside deck of our cruise ship…that, and how high Greg pulled his socks up during our hike.  What is with that anyway?  All he needs now is a pair of sandels and he’s all set!  LOL.

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