Okay peeps, this is my last post about our trip to the Grand Mayan Riviera Maya. I’m falling behind and there were just so many hilarious moments that I could write about the trip for months. Instead, I’m going to share our guffaws in a list called…
Laughter, Mexican Style
Funny Story #1: Molly Tried To Save My Tooth From Crud And Nearly Killed Herself In The Process
While some people may argue that this story isn’t really very funny (you’ll understand after you read it), Greg, Mike and I still laughed about it because we are a bunch of hard-hearted jerkwads. We were hanging out at a pool bar on our second day at the resort and we decided to order some dinner and eat it while we were in the pool. After we had finished eating, I was whining about having something stuck in my teeth and Molly, bless her heart, grabbed her fork (with the intention of offering it to me to pick my teeth) and jumped off her stool to hand it to me. In doing so, she slipped on the bottom of the pool and fell into the water, completely submerging herself. At the time, neither Greg nor I had any idea that Molly couldn’t swim, so we both burst out laughing (while she was struggling through panic and swallowing water while she tried to find her footing and stand up in the chest high water). Neither of us even thought to reach into the water and help her because we were laughing too hard (like I said, bunch of jerks). Mike was turned away from us, talking to some people when it happened, so he didn’t realize what was going on until Molly finally resurfaced, sputtering and coughing. She handed me her fork, which she was still clutching, while water shot out of her nose and Mike was asking her if she was okay. Nodding her head in agreement, she turned to us and mentioned, “Oh, I can’t swim.” Huh?That stopped our laughter abruptly, but it only lasted a few hours until we started doing re-enactments of the incident and busting a gut (even Molly laughed – what a trooper). The rest of that night consisted of Mike working on her fear of having water in her face. Check this out. Good job Mollita.
Funny Story #2: I Will F**k Your S**t Up
It was 4:45 a.m. on the morning after the wedding and we were due to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to do the Trash The Dress session. I hadn’t slept very well and I had just finally settled into a fitful sleep when I heard it. Chick Chick. Rattle. Rattle. Rattle. Giggle. Giggle. Giggle. Chick Chick. Rattle. Rattle. Rattle. Giggle. Giggle. Giggle. I sat up in bed and listened to the racket outside our room as it slowly got closer and closer. There were people in the hallway. They were hammered drunk and obviously couldn’t find their room, so they were trying every door on our side of the hallway. I was instantly livid in a way that lack of sleep, tossing and turning all night and ignorant drunk kids can make a person instantly livid!!!I heard the door to Mike & Molly’s room rattle and then the door to our main room rattle and I shot out of bed, stark raving…naked… and threw open the door to our room before anyone could stick their card in it and rattle the handle. Just outside our room, stood two white guys, and two hispanic women (one of which was all of five feet tall) and they were all swaying drunkenly and laughing hysterically. “HEY!” I practically yelled (somewhat hypocritically). “People in here are trying to sleep. Shut the hell up!”
The tiny hispanic woman, who had been swaying on her feet and slurring her words, immediately snapped to attention, planted one hand on her hip and pointed a dagger like fingernail my way and erupted like a spitfire volcano. “No, you shut the hell up!” she shouted back in a voice that I can only describe as akin to Rosie Perez. “I will come in there and F**k your s**t up! Mind your own business…”. She probably would have charged in and f**ked my s**t up if her sweetheart hadn’t covered her mouth, laughing and said, “C’mon, leave whitey alone and let’s find our room.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at her little tirade and, just like that, my anger was gone and I was shaking my head and smiling all the way back to bed.
For the rest of the trip, we were all threatening to F each other’s S up! Good times.
Funny Story #3: B***h Doesn’t Even Begin To Describe…
Her name was Valentina. She was two and a half years old, had the most beautiful brownish gold eyes and she was hanging out with her mom and dad in the vendors area of the resort, checking out their wares. Her mom mentioned that they lived in L.A. and that they had family in Mexico and were down visiting and staying in their Uncle’s resort. Valentina’s mom was hilarious – vivacious and full of life – she was babbling away to us in Spanglish (mix of English and Spanish) and joking with a Vendor while Valentina went from toy to toy, “inspecting” each one. It was so cute. She would pick it up, shake it around and spin in a circle and then she’d put it down and shake her head as if to say, “Nope. That’s not what I’m looking for.” She did this with every toy that was within her reach and, when she’d exhausted all the toys, she looked up and pulled an onyx turtle off the shelf above the toys, turned in a circle and stopped when she was facing her dad. She pulled the turtle into her heart, thrust out a hip (again with the hip thing) and rattled off a quick sentence in Spanish to her dad. He shook his head and answered her, taking the turtle from her and exchanging it for a round toy with four chickens on it (that pecked when the string below it was twirled) and nodded his head at her. I didn’t understand much of the conversation that ensued, but the gist of it was that she wanted the turtle, not the chicken toy and, by the end of their convo, she was getting a tad angry. After she’d put the chicken toy back (for the third time) and plucked the turtle off the shelf (for the third time), only to have her dad shake his head and return it to its place yet again, Valentina ERUPTED. She screwed up her little fists, stomped one of her little feet, crossed her arms, thrust out her chin and screwed up her beautiful eyes until they were fixed narrowly on her dad and she screamed something at him in Spanish, turned around, threw the turtle onto the pile of toys and stormed off to find her mom on the other side of the cart. I hadn’t heard him speak a word of English up to that point, but he suddenly turned to us and said, “Bitch doesn’t even begin to describe what that child is going to be when she grows up.” And, shrugging, he walked away, leaving Greg and I howling with laughter and thinking that having no children isn’t always such a terrible thing!!!
You can read the rest of the funny stories in the two other posts I’ve done about the GMRM resort. I hope they make you all laugh as much as they made us laugh!
Audios amigos. I wish you enough.