No Rhyme or Reason

I look for meaning in everything because, as my mom always said, everything happens for a reason. At least I used to believe so. Not anymore. This morning I realized that there is absolutely no rhyme or reason to anything about life.

What possible reason could exist for good people like us to lose the precious miracle baby  we waited six years to meet?

Why do crackheads get the chance to pop out kids like pez dispensers and people like us – people who do absolutely everything they can to ensure they will have a happy, healthy baby – go through absolute hell only to end up in a tragic situation?

I used to believe wholeheartedly that the universe hears everything and that if a person believes in something enough, it will happen and good things will come. I used to believe that there was a universal connection of all things, a One Being (call it God if you want to), that balanced out the positive and negative in the world. I used to believe in Karma and I used to think that if I were a positive force in the universe I would be a part of keeping that balance. I used to have faith.

My faith hasn’t been shaken, it has been shattered.

In the span of 30 hours, all of my beliefs have been stamped out by the giant, unforgiving foot of death. It looms, towering and dark, ready to crush my heart, and any hope that may remain within it, at a moment’s notice. I no longer believe in anything except love, pain and emptiness – in that order.

All of the obstacles I have overcome in my life – the miscarriages, illness, the death of my mom – none of them have affected me even remotely compared to this experience.

I feel defeated. Spent. Hopeless. The pain in my heart (and in my now empty womb) is so deep and so profound that I feel it in every movement, every thought.

The moment I saw my daughter’s angry red face for the first time and heard her little cry was the happiest moment of my entire life. Nothing can even come close to the love and joy that filled me up.

The moment the doctor’s removed her life support and I held her in my arms until all the life went out of her little body was the most devastating, most agonizing, most bittersweet torture I have ever endured.  On the one hand, I was full of gratitude that she would no longer be subjected to all the poking, prodding and drastic medical measures the NICU doctors and nurses had been using to try to save her life. On the other, I was full of raw pain as I felt all of our hopes and dreams slip into oblivion as the tiny perfection of her grew heavier and cold in my arms.

What could possibly be the reason for this? Why would the universe allow a child to come into the world with such hope and promise, only to have her struggle for nearly 30 hours before finally allowing her suffering to stop, and ours begin anew?

So many times you hear people say that God works in mysterious ways and you hear people say that they just have to trust in God to reveal his reasons or to bring method to madness.

I say bullshit.

There is no God. There is no omniscient presence out there that looks down on us and decides who stays and who goes. I have seen the truth and it tells me that everything in our lives that happens just happens. We want so hard to believe that everything has purpose and meaning because these things give us faith, so we look for it in every experience and search for it when painful experiences occur. Why? Because we need to have faith in something. Faith in something is so much easier than no faith at all. Fatith leads to hope and hope pulls us through.

Two days ago, I had a baby girl who came into the world kicking and screaming. She was feisty and strong and heartbreakingly adorable, with perfect little hands and feet and her daddy’s curly hair. She was beautiful. She was my faith, my hope, my rhyme and reason for everything.

Today, she is dead and we barely had the chance to hold her before she slipped away forever. We will never be able to touch her again. We will never know her more than we knew her in that short 30 hours. We will never see her grow up or hear her speak or laugh. All we have are memories of a roller coaster ride of emotion, one small moment where she was strong enough to grasp my hand and look up at me before they had to sedate her, and a lasting pain from watching her transition from a healthy, beautiful baby girl into a sick, bloated, purple, blotchy, lifeless corpse.

Where’s the rhyme and reason in that?

12 thoughts on “No Rhyme or Reason

  1. Jo, I have no words for you but I just want you to know that I am thinking of you guys…

  2. You have an amazing way of expressing what so many people are feeling for you right now. Reading this made me cry once more for your loss. I have no idea where to file this tragic story so I placed it in “Sometimes bad things happen to good people and I may never know why”.

    I pray that your story of motherhood will one day have the happy ending it deserves

    Love ya Jo
    Thank you for being you

  3. To my friend and her husband, two of the most amazing human beings and shining examples of love. I am devastatingly heartbroken for you. I watched my cousin get buried today, leaving behind a six and not quite one year old, and all I could think of was the reverse happening to you. The tears that flowed were not only for the two boys left behind, but for the two parents who are left to mourn the loss a beautiful little life. It is mortifying and no words can ever express the pain. Jo, you have expressed your experience in the most loving way you can. My heart aches for you both.

  4. I wish I could hug your pain away. I agree with Teresa and I still believe.
    Thinking of you…

  5. Jo, There are no words that I can offer you that can help. I wish that I could. This week I have had the sad experience of knowing that you and Greg have been hurt in a way that I simply cannot comprehend, as well as a family very dear to my heart, a Mom younger than myself, two young boys, six and not yet one, loosing their Dad, the Mom her Fiance. I can only find myself wishing that there was a way to make sense of this, that I could somehow ease the hurt that everyone is feeling. All that I can do is offer up all the love that I have and let all parties know that I am here and loving them with all of my heart. Should you want a shoulder, someone to lean on, I am here, anytime. You are in my thoughts, all my love sent your way. XOXO

  6. Jo, I cannot express enough to you and Greg how badly my heart is aching for you. There simply are no words… You will continue to be in my thoughts and I will only hold best wishes for you both.

  7. I’m so sorry, Jo. I can’t imagine your pain right now. I hope the love from all the people here helps, in however small a way.

  8. I do not have facebook anymore, but for some unknown reason you and Greg have been weighing heavily on my mind lately. Therefore, I decided to go into Natasha’s facebook. I am sadden to hear about your lose; I am so sorry for the two of you. I love the way you express your feelings (emotions) …nicely put. You two are awesome people and some day you will be great parents. I still believe that. I know no amount of words can take away the pain for the two of you. I love you Jo-Jo and I only wish you and Greg the best. All My Relation…Rosie


  10. I am so sorry Jo. What a devastating loss. I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through – my heart aches for you. Thinking of you.

  11. I have been thinking of you lots! I’m so sorry for your loss and the rollercoaster ride you have been on. She’s absolutely beautiful and I wished I could have been there when she was born. I wish you and Greg the best!

  12. As I sit here and read this story tears run down my face and I am so sad for you and Greg. I too have lost my mom who was my best friend and that was devastating but I couldn’t imagine losing a child. I know that there are no words to say to make the pain go away but please know that I am sending my love and prayers to make you strong in your time of grief.

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