Stages of Grief – Whatev!

This morning I woke up feeling as though a truck had run over me while I slept. I stumbled out of bed and made my way to the computer to check my email and Facebook messages, but before I logged on, I decided to look up the stages of grief – just to see where I was in the whole scheme of grieving things.

Hmmm…

According to the ever-intelligent internet machine, the stages of grief are as follows:

  1. Denial
  2. Anger
  3. Bargaining
  4. Depression
  5. Acceptance

I quickly went through the list to assess the state of my grieving mind. Here are the thoughts that popped into my mind when I read each stage and it’s definition.

  1. Denial – It’s fairly hard to deny that your baby’s dead when you held her while she died. Skip that stage.
  2. Anger – Yep. About a week ago, my every thought involved phrases such as, “F@#$ the Universe, it doesn’t hear any of my thoughts or adhere to my compelling prayers”. Now, though, I have stopped thinking anything about the universe, except that the book “The Secret” is a crock of s@#%. (Incidentally, I’ve also developed quite a fowl mouth in the last week and I’m hoping it will disappear in time. Otherwise, I may be looking for a career in construction or as a truck driver just to fit in!)
  3. Bargaining – if a person doesn’t believe in the Universe or God and her baby never had a chance to learn to understand or speak her native language, what is there to bargain for? How can I even begin to say, “If you’ll just live, I promise to never do such and such again,” or, “I will do such and such if you just bring her back”? Skip that stage.
  4. Depression – overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb…Yes, this about sums me up in one sentence. Most days, I can barely drag my butt out of bed, let alone eat, shower, etc., but Greg is a rock and he’s always right there beside me, encouraging me to get up and get going, even when I just want to stay in bed all day with the blind drawn and cry my heart out – which I do. Despite all that I’ve been through in my life and even though I’ve grieved for the losses of my baby son nearly 13 years ago and my mom 11 years ago, this pain is like nothing I have ever experienced. It hurts…a lot, both physically and mentally. However, I know myself and I know that I am not a negative, down trodden type gal, so I know that in time my positivity and generosity and all the things that I love about myself will eventually win over this pain and hurt. The thing I don’t know for certain is how long it will take. I’m not a patient person, so I’m sure it will be sooner rather than later. For now, though, I’m going to surf this painful wave until I hit the distant shore. *sigh*
  5. Acceptance – Yep, not quite there yet…may never hit that zen moment of acceptance…

So, here I am. I’ve blown through those first stages and seem to be sitting pretty in a depressive state. Good times. However, despite all this sadness, during the past few days I’ve discovered that my ability to laugh – genuine laughter, not that fake-it-till-you-make-it kind- is still here inside me. I first found it when Greg and I saw a little kid dancing his way out of the school grounds near our house and it surfaced again and again yesterday as we spent time with our families at a little gathering we had to mourn Cora. Laughter truly is the best medicine…

Perhaps I should go on the road, following comedy tours for a few months until I’ve laughed away all of my pain???

Have a good day my friends. I wish you all enough…

3 thoughts on “Stages of Grief – Whatev!

  1. Jo & Greg,
    wow, where do ya start. I’m now at the just about 10months since we lost our son Keyvan, and don’t even know how to answer the question “how are ya doing?”, cause I really just still don’t know what to say………………. cause ok, good, the shits, what ever ya say is a lye as I don’t know a word to explain how ya really feel.
    For you both on the positive side I did take a 12 week gathering class, that had a book & workbook as well as keeping in touch with Compassionate Friends (group). The group class I do have the name of the author from Colorado, would highly reccomend both of the books even just to read, would be sooooo very good. I did & do the same thing Jo and get onto the internet reading and I haven’t really found it that comforting, but this book and journal(workbook) has been a big big help………..
    Please call or email if you’d like the information, and/or if ya’d like to talk to an other parent that has lost a child as well!
    ((hugs)) for ya both!!!!!!!!!!
    be there for each other extra hugs are always a big and good thing……………..

    RIP Cora be strong for your Mom & Dad
    RIP Keyvan “MLR” forever MOM will always LOVE you xo

  2. This is where me calling you for a walk comes in next week. There is a balance to be found through all of this. All of us find our balance at different rates. Friends losing mothers, friends losing fathers, women who have NEVER had a baby. We will go through it in the way only we know how, but the point is, WE will get through this because YOU are an amazing woman! Your husband is a rock! I love you both!

  3. Hey Jo and Greg… the old saying “time heals all wounds” is bullshit! You will really never heal from something like this. True you will start to laugh again. But there will not be a day that goes by that you don’t think of Cora. Your heart is broken and most likely will never feel whole again. Give it time, you will mend and your heart will feel better.
    I think the worst thing someone can say in this situation is “if there is anything you need just ask”. Seriously… if they want to do something, come over with a pot of soup or a lasagna… or better yet a lasagna, bottle of wine and a good funny movie.
    You already think of your mom everyday and that has been 11 years. This will be no different, but defiantly more painful.
    Sometimes you can’t see the reason’s why things happen. That takes time, it may even be years before you realize why this happened. I am truly sorry for the pain you are going through. Even with all the crap in this world, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
    You are an amazing person and know how to make people laugh.
    No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
    Lots of love! Hugs and kisses, Sharon

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