Yesterday at approximately 3:30 p.m., I decided to try to drink myself numb. My thought was that if I could just numb myself up for a few hours and get a break from this unrelenting emptiness inside me, perhaps I’d be able to get a good night’s sleep. No dreams would be a good thing because, lately, all of mine are nightmares about dead babies.
I drank TWO bottles of white wine and a mini bottle of red…and didn’t even catch a buzz. WTF??? I’m not a drinker at the best of times and usually a couple glasses of wine leave me loopy beyond the legal limit, but come ON already. Two bottles and nada. Obviously, since alcohol is a depressant, all it did was bring me down instead of making me numb.
I’m a fairly intelligent gal. I should have been able to figure that one out. To further my infinite intelligence, I also decided to watch a video called Capturing A Short Life (a documentary about families who lose their babies shortly after birth for various reasons). The combination of alcohol and movie left me a blubbering mess on my living room floor. GREAT IDEA.
I’m hoping my brain decides to make itself useful in the future and it suppresses my “great” ideas from now on because there’s really nothing good about trying to drink myself into a stupor and crying for hours. Well, the crying part was actually good for me because I always feel better after a good cry. At least I’m not hungover and I don’t have a headache. That would just make things really awesometastical!
Today marks two weeks since our sweet baby Cora left us here on planet earth. Still feels like it was two minutes ago.
Am I dragging you all down with my incessant pessimism yet? I apologize for not being my usual witty self, but most of the time I can barely muster a smile, let alone think of positive witticisms. I hate feeling this way, but grief must be allowed to run its course so I can eventually return to “normal” Jo.
Do me a favor and hug your babies a little tighter and a lot more often and have a good day.
I wish you enough…