It’s the little things in life that get us through the big things. Sometimes, despite the last year of ups and downs and twists and turns, I still have many little things to get me through. I haven’t been sleeping much lately, so I’ve had plenty of time to think about all of the things in my life that I’m grateful for.
But first, I must get the cranky portion of this post out of the way.
Today’s Attitude goes out to:
- The Kamloops Daily News. Charged us $170 to run Cora’s obituary for two days. Couldn’t believe it. Everyone else seems to bend over backwards to make things as easy as possible when a baby dies (they offer free or incredibly discounted services), but the Daily News goes out of its way to extort money from grieving parents. We felt as though we were being slapped in the face. No, $170 is not a lot of money in most instances, but for a handful of words for two days, it was a ridiculous amount of money.
- Insomnia. Whatever happened to the days when I could shut out all thought and just listen to my body until I fell into a peaceful sleep? Now my nights are filled with a torrent of “what ifs” and “if onlys” and “whys”. My dreams, when I do sleep a little, are nightmarish and disturbing.
- Irritability caused by insomnia. It’s bad enough that I’m not getting any sleep, but I’ve also started to be frustrated by the most trivial things. Fingerprints on the windows of my car (WHAT is up with that all of a sudden bothering me? As if it even matters in the scheme of things.). Sleeping in (Helllllloooo, I’m getting barely any sleep. As if sleeping in should be something that I frown upon). Dishes (uhm, we eat, therefore we make dishes). Is anyone noticing a pattern here? Why get irritated at the important aspects of life when it’s so much easier to get irritated at things that I can control. I need to be angry, but it doesn’t make sense to expend energy being angry at things that are totally beyond my control. Better to rage about anything that I can easily fix.
- My leather roller skates. They stretch out when my feet get hot and sweaty and my feet slide around in them. It’s not conducive to good control and I detest being out of control while skating.
- Autopsies. Four months is too long to wonder and beat ourselves up about why our daughter died. It’s been almost seven weeks and every day feels like a lifetime. I’m not sure why I expected this process to be expedited for babies – how naive of me.
- OCD. Yes, I am and always have been obsessed with certain things – learning, improving, helping others, finding creative outlets, etc. I am too tired to be OCD right now and my personality is suffering for it. I sincerely hope I start getting some decent sleep soon so all of my excellent OCD tendencies will return in full force!
- ALL OF THE PEOPLE (ESPECIALLY YOUNGER PEOPLE) WHOM I CONSTANTLY SEE EITHER TALKING ON THEIR CELL PHONES WHILE DRIVING OR TEXTING WHILE DRIVING. I GUESS YOU ALL GOT A MEMO THAT LET YOU KNOW YOU WERE EXEMPT FROM THE LAW. LUCKY YOU.
- Sunburns. 70 sun block, my ass. My chest is peeling. Very attractive.
- Excess baby weight. You know exactly where you can go (insert cryptic message here)…
Today’s Gratitude goes out to:
- My new friend, Teresa. Perhaps the one person in my world who knows exactly what I am going through. It is so nice to be able to connect with someone who can say, “I totally understand your pain” and I don’t have to think to myself, “No, you don’t, so stop trying to think you do.” I’m sad that we are on this journey together, but happy that I’ve found you and that we can help each other through. Hugs to you, my dear!
- Dr. Anthony Human. I know I’ve mentioned him a few times before, but he is really such an awesome OB/GYN and an all around good and caring person.
- My amazingly awesometastical sister-in-law, Molly, for sending me the Angel Baby necklace with Cora’s name engraved on the back. I never take it off and it is a constant reminder that I am a mommy and always will be because I carry Cora with me in my heart forever.
- Schoenings Funeral Services here in Kamloops. Not only did they handle all of the details for Cora’s remains (coordination with BC Children’s, cremation at another funeral home and shipping to Kamloops), but they did it all for free and they included four counseling sessions for free with a really fantastic grief counselor (Val Theroux). That’s what I call dedication and service.
- My roller derby team. You ladies are absolutely hilarious and just what I needed to help me get on with life. My stomach hurt from laughing so much on Saturday night (and from laughing so much during Sunday’s practice – Hairy Pithair…a hahahah). Each week, I look so forward to Wednesday and Sunday nights. I hope I am able to derby until I’m a senile geriatric. So therapeutic and such a good workout. Go Derby!
- Greg and Juno. Each day I watch the two of you interacting and it loosens the painful grip that grief has on my heart. I’ve never known someone who loved his dog as much as my husband loves ours, but it is truly beautiful to behold that love – a love that I know would have shone on Cora just as strongly had she made it. I am one lucky woman to have both of them turn that love on me every day as well.
- My brother Dan. I know we don’t always see things in the same light, but I see you trying to do your best with me every day and I appreciate your efforts immensely.
- My roller skates. Because I painted them with fabric pens tonight and now they are pretty. I like pretty things!
Well, there you have it Bradley (that one was for you Jenji!). I should probably settle in for my nightly toss and turn fest, but before I do, here are a couple of pics I took of some friends’ babies the other day. It was a hard thing to do, but I had to rip off the bandage and get back at ‘er eventually. Thanks Kathy and Kim, for allowing me to use your babies to work through my grief. I love you ladies…and those adorable, squishy girls you have.
And thanks, Kim, for bringing the props and helping me with ideas when my mind was just a big ole tired, blank.
Good night my friends. I wish you all enough…