I was reading an online journal the other day, written by a mom whose daughter was stillborn at 32 weeks. It made me cry, but it also gave me so much hope because, like this woman, Cora has taught me so much already.
Here is her post:
“It is amazing what you can learn from such a tiny being that you never got to talk to. I never got to hear her laugh, or cry, or talk back to me. 🙂 Never got to pick out a first day of school outfit, a backpack, brush her hair, rock her to sleep. It is amazing what she has taught me though. I am grateful to her for that. She taught me that I was not a coward for choosing to carry her until she passed away on her own. I am BRAVE. I held on even when I knew there was no hope at all. I treasured the little time I had with her. We had talks, her and I. Good ones. Sad ones. But I would not trade that time for anything. She taught me who is important to me. What is important. Money, things, possessions are not. No amount of money could bring her back to us. She taught me that even though Byron is a pain sometimes, he stood by me the whole time. Every doctor visit, every sonogram, held my hand when they said she had a little time and that was all. Stayed with me that horrible day she was born. Cried with me, Let me hit him, scream at him, and then hug me when I was done. She taught me that I have an awesome family whom I can always depend on. That Megan is resilient, and awesome and actually understands more than I give her credit for. She taught me that I can help others through this. I joined a crappy club. There are a lot of us mom’s in it. We can support each other. She brought my future to my eyes, and connected me with people whom I would not have known otherwise, who have been invaluable to me in this long, bumpy journey. She taught me that there is no “right” time to feel “over her” or to forget. She is with me always. I have really good days. 98% of them are good now, but I have bad ones as well, and that is OK. A piece of my heart died that day, but the rest is fine. It beats for Byron, Megan, my family, my friends, and for Noelle Grace, who shares a part of Mallory’s name, and is her gift to us. I like to think she made me a better person, but some days I really doubt that. I was changed by a tiny 1 pound being who could not say I love you Mom and Dad, Love you Megan, and grandmas. 🙂 She could not learn to walk, talk, laugh, pray, play, hold my hand when we walked in the park. Her time came before mine, and while I am eternally sad, I am grateful she was such an AWESOME person for the time I had her. Thank you God for the wonderful gift you sent to us for 32 weeks.”
Her words echo what I feel in my heart.
One other thing that I’ve learned about myself – one thing that losing Cora has really brought home to me – is that I am incredibly strong. I can carry this colossal weight of grief on my shoulders and still carry on with life. I have endured so much sadness and loss in my lifetime, yet I still find ways to smile and laugh. I have learned that NOTHING in this world can hurt as much as losing a child, especially feeling your child die in your arms. I have experienced this pain tenfold and, yet, I’m still managing to get ‘er done. If that’s not strength, I don’t know what is.
I know that my journey through this grief and through this life will hold many more ups and downs, many more twists and turns. And, even though I have no idea what my future holds, I know that I am strong enough to endure anything.
And, because I’m not much in a mood to make people laugh today, I’ll just post a few pics from our latest doggy adventure to Peterson Creek last weekend.
Admittedly, not some of the best pics I’ve ever taken, but we photographers can’t be on our A game all the time!!!
Busy weekend coming up. Have a good one my friends. I wish you all enough…