On Friday, Greg and I took Juno to the beach. As he and Juno were out swimming around in the middle of the river (Greg was trying to catch a Salmon with his hands…LOL), I picked up a stick and began writing Cora’s name in the sand.
RIP Cora Jane LeFlufy, June 2-3, 2010, We love and miss you. XO Mommy & Daddy & Juno.
As I was writing this message, I was speaking to Cora out loud. Cora Jane, if you are here with me still, I need you to send me a definitive sign because I can’t go on feeling this pain so deeply. If I know you are here with me, it will be easier for me to start moving on and carrying my grief a little easier. If you are here with me, I want you to wake me up at precisely 3:15 a.m. within the next three days. Then I will know that my faith in the other side isn’t lost after all, but merely temporarily frozen. Remember baby girl, 3:15 a.m.
That was the first time I mustered up the courage to speak out loud to her spirit and poke a little at the other side, just to see if I was still connected. Before this, I believe I have been too chicken to reach out for fear that I would not get any response. I have not felt any connection whatsoever to the other side since we lost Cora and I have not dreamed of my mom at all (something that I used to be able to do on a regular basis). I left the beach feeling that fear in the pit of my stomach and dreading going to sleep. What if she didn’t give me a sign? What if I was out to lunch before she was born and was totally imagining my connection to my dearly departeds? What if the other side doesn’t exist and our souls just disappear when we die? What if? What if? What if?
I deliberately forced my thoughts away from all the doubt and ignored the fear. We went on with our weekend and I actually forgot about my request by Saturday night. We went out to visit friends and make sushi and then we came home and watched a movie and I tossed and turned for several hours until I fell asleep around 2:30 a.m.. Greg fell asleep on the couch, but he woke up in the middle of the night and made his way into the bedroom. As he was walking in, I woke up.
It was exactly 3:15 a.m.!
And, as soon as I fell back into sleep, I had a dream about my mom for the first time in nearly four months.
Last night was the first time since we lost our baby girl that I fell asleep almost immediately and slept the entire night without waking up at all. I didn’t have any nightmares about dead and rotting babies (which plague me almost nightly) or about my baby being yanked from my arms and disappearing (another great dream that I’m getting used to) or about reliving our experience at Children’s Hospital and unplugging Cora from life support over and over and over again. No, I slept, pardon the expression, like a baby. 🙂