Firstly, for the record, NO!, I am not drunk while I write this. I’m just being me!
So yahhhhh, remember when I said you should all get in front of the mirror naked and embrace everything about yourselves??? Well, I said that before I took a really good, long, careful look at my boobs.
Here’s a back story for you. TMI, I know, but “bare” with me…
I used to have GIANT boobs. I was the size I am now, but my boobs (I really like to say “boobs”) were nearly size E. Hello, Jo! It’s nice to meet your boobs…I mean, you! That was my experience all the time. They were just there and they were dang heavy. I had to wear two sports bras to play any sport and my bra straps used to dig into my shoulders so hard that it took the entire night for the marks to disappear. So, in a fit of annoyed rage, I had a breast reduction. Yep, that’s right, angry boob reduction surgery! I had my boobs pretty much cut down to a manageable size. I went from a giant DD to E to a beautiful, perky, but somewhat scarred, C! Woooot! Woooot! (p.s. Dr. Michael Jacoby, who is a whiz with the tatas, did my surgery and I applaud his mad skills).
Greg just couldn’t get over my need to do this. I think I heard him crying late at night when he thought I was asleep…JK!
Here I am, now, in present day, eight years and a full on milk production fest later and, yahhhh, uhm, where the HELL did my perky, but somewhat scarred, C’s get to?
I have a killer cold right now and when I got home today, I stripped down and threw my fuzzy pjs on and went to brush my teeth. As I was brushing away, it was a bit drafty in the house, even through the fuzzy pjs, and me ole nips were kind of standing to attention. The problem is, they were standing on different steps of the national monument, if you catch my drift!
I stood there, toothbrush in mouth, toothpaste perilously close to dripping onto my fuzzy pj’d chest, raising my right shoulder up and down to see if I could get those puppies nice and level. It was as though I was doing some strange, slow motion version of a lop-sided crunk dance using my toothbrush as a sexy toothpick…
The dance continued for a full five minutes before I realized that I had not only swallowed the toothpaste (GROSSSSS), but had also started to kick my left hip out each time I raised my shoulder, and, to top it off, the song, I’m Sexy and I know It by LMFAO was running through my head over and over again.
Holy Shitsnacks, woman. Get a grip on yourself.
I stopped, casually rinsed off my toothbrush and walked out of the bathroom as though I hadn’t just auditioned for So You Think You Can Correct Your Glaring Nipple Asymmetry By Dancing Canada and promptly headed to my dresser to throw on a sports bra.
I said embrace it, love it, find the things you love about yourselves and I stand by that, but by George, uneven nips is not something I ever thought I would have to embrace and love. I’ll do it anyway, just because I don’t want to eat my words, but these puppies will not be making any star appearances anytime soon in the upcoming Boudoir Jo photos that I will be posting for the world to see.
Unless, of course, they appear during the impromptu right shoulder/left hip dance routine that I bust out while the shoot is in full swing!
Good night, my friends! I wish you all enough…bras…