I held our nephew today. This may not sound like a big deal, but considering he is over a year old and I’ve never even been able to so much as touch him, it really is kind of a big deal.
Usually, even the thought of Rory hurts my chest and makes me want to escape. I have stayed away from Greg’s parents’ place on occasions when I knew he would be there. I’ve avoided my sister-in-law’s phone calls for fear that she’ll want to hang out or talk about how happy and blessed she is to have such a precious gift. I’ve done a lot of things to make sure my heart won’t get any more damaged than it already is and staying away from our nephew has been a giant defense mechanism to protect my slowly healing heart.
Honestly, I didn’t know she would be coming to Greg’s Parents’ place today with Rory and the moment she walked in, I felt my heart rate rise, I broke out in a sweat and I immediately started thinking about ways I could just leave to avoid the pain. But I stuck it out.
I sat beside Rory in his high chair at lunch and tried to pretend he wasn’t there at all, but we had Juno with us and, well, Rory’s a baby. Baby’s are messy eaters. At one point, I looked over and the little guy was holding a piece of bread out to the side of his high chair, right above the dog’s eagerly open mouth. He looked up at me, gave me a totally mischievous look, batted his little eyelashes and dropped the bread into Juno’s mouth with a giant grin on his face.
And, just like that, the steel cage I’ve been building around my heart since the moment I heard about his conception, shattered like glass and love for him found its way to my heart.
You just never know you’re ready until you’re ready.
Looks like he and I have some catching up to do.