It’s been a hell of a week and it’s only Wednesday. Please forgive me for all of the swearing I’m about to do. I just don’t have the energy to wax poetic and use big, flowery words to get my point across and get these feelings off my chest. Big 😉
I know by now that if I wake up at the beginning of the week and recognize an overwhelming melancholy weighing me down and no concrete explanation for it, it’s most likely my lovely and nearly constant stalker and sparring partner – Grief – just checking in to see if I can take a little more of a shitkicking. Sometimes, my stalker is so good at sneaking up on me that it takes me two or three days of acting like a crazy person and losing my shit over tiny, trivial things before the realization dawns on me that the bitch is back standing on my shoulders again, jumping up and down.
On Sunday, I was sitting at the computer and I looked over at the picture wall and saw the photo of Greg kissing Cora’s tiny little newborn head. In the pic, there are tubes sticking out of her arms and a bandage wrapped around one arm where her IV popped out of a vein and all the fluid they were pumping into her leaked into her arm and puffed it up like a balloon. The nurses wrapped a bandage around it so we wouldn’t see how swollen it was and be further traumatized by how much our baby girl was going through. A wave of sadness rushed over me when my eyes locked on the bandage and, suddenly, I was right there again in the NICU at Children’s hospital, watching my husband kiss our daughter goodbye. Heart is crushed. Can’t breathe. Why does this still hurt so much? When will it ever stop hurting? I was lucky enough to wake up Monday knowing that my stalker was back and, as usual, I resigned myself to ride it out, but I have still been losing my shit all week over nothing. Well, nothing that really matters in the scheme of life anyway.
Something I witness, time and time again, is that some people have a huge penchant for whining about a whole lot of shit all the time and, honestly, it drives me fucking crazy. I have been through more in my life than almost all of the people I know and I don’t walk around whining or complaining about trivial bullshit on a regular, consistent basis. I don’t have time for it. I don’t have the energy for it. I don’t have the patience for it. Yes, I obviously get pissed off about stuff, have bad days, etc. – I have a brain tumor for Pete’s sake – but I still don’t spend my life boo hooing. After being through what I’ve been through, I just don’t have room for any of that in my life and, admittedly, when people around me consistently whine or complain about things, I eventually lose my ability to have sympathy or empathy for them. As a result, I take an “enough of this bullshit” attitude and become, well, decidedly unsympathetic toward them. I know I’m doing it and, even though I believe it may be a subconscious defense mechanism of sorts -a way to avoid letting in energy that will bring me down further than I already am – I can’t stop myself.
This happened tonight and to top it off, one of my teammates – someone I have huge respect for and really like; someone whose back I always have – called me a bitch and said I’m not a people person.
And so, I left practice weighed down even more than I was when I got there.
Today was one of those bad days I’ve spoken of, but the beauty of tomorrow is that it’s a new day and I will be able to look at it with fresh eyes. Maybe tomorrow I’ll work on the bitch thing and try to be more of a people person…;)
Tomorrow, I shall pour myself into culling the rest of Kylee and Chace’s awesome wedding photos. I have it narrowed down to 1000 really good ones…oh my, this shall be a good challenge for me. They were so much fun and there were just so many gooders that it is hard to choose which ones they will love.
Here is one of my faves from the rainiest of rainy day weddings. Something to make me smile when I wake up in the morning!