Greg’s out of town on another motor bike adventure and I am sitting in my nearly spotless house, drinking a glass of nicely chilled wine and basking in the near perfection that is our house when no man is around to mar it! Note: I actually began writing this blog last Thursday evening, so I am not actually sitting around drinking wine on a Sunday morning…although…hmmm…
That’s right, I just said my house is nearly perfect when my husband is nowhere near it. There are no stray socks laying in the middle of the living room; no facial hair decorating the bathroom sink; no clothes piled up on the floor on his side of the bedroom; no cups in the bedroom or downstairs in his man cave; no tools laying in strange places, such as on the fireplace or on the kitchen table or hanging on hooks by the door; no motorcycle gear cluttering up the foyer; and no dirty dishes sitting in the sink from last night’s dinner – dishes he was supposed to do, but instead decided to “soak for awhile” because they were so caked with food. Even though I can and do live with a lot of Greg’s manly quirks–same as he lives with mine–, they still drive me a tad crazy sometimes.
A few minutes ago, I started thinking that every man who is moving in with his lady should receive a list of guidelines–concrete instructions, really–on all the things he should NOT do if he wants his life to run smoothly. I began compiling a list of the items that I would include for Greg if I could go back in time and execute a pre-emptive strike against all of his manly tendencies that make me want to look for a nice big shovel and smack him upside the head with it. Ah, L’Amour!
This is another trucker mouth kind of post. My apologies to all my churchie friends and all the other tight asses I know and love. 🙂
I made a list. This list probably would have made our first years living together a lot less, uhm, challenging. Please forgive the order; I just wrote them as they came to mind.
Here is what my list – my Don’t Make Me Lose My Shit list- would have on it:
- It doesn’t matter if you “usually crap at work”, you will still be required to change the TP roll when it runs out. You can try not replacing it if you want to see your lady lose her shit. (Incidentally, that was a DIRECT QUOTE from my darling husband during our first year of living together.)
- The hamper is the place where your dirty clothes go. Please do not throw your dirty clothes on the floor beside the hamper, unless you want to see your lady lose her shit.
- If your lady makes dinner, show your thanks by washing the dishes and cleaning up the kitchen. Washing the dishes actually constitutes washing them and not just emptying the food out of them, filling up the sink and throwing them in there to soak overnight so your lady can get up in the morning and wash them. Also, when you are finished washing the dishes (assuming that you did, in fact, wash them), rinse out the sink so there is no food or residue left all over it. Of course, you can skip this last step if you are fond of watching your lady lose her shit. Why? As my dearly departed mama used to say, “If you are going to do a job, do it right and finish it.”
- Blowing your nose in the shower or at the bathroom sink while washing your face is STRICTLY FORBIDDEN. When your lady hears this – and she will hear it, from wherever she is in the house or even from outside or down the block- you had better run because she is truly going to lose her shit and you will not be getting sex for a lonnnnnnng time; especially if she ends up cleaning your crusty boogs out of the shower or sink when she is scrubbing the bathroom. Capiche?
- The milk jug is not a glass for you to drink out of whenever you are thirsty. This is not something that your lady should have to explain to you on a regular basis. This is common sense, my friend, common sense. If you persist in this disgusting behaviour, you may find yourself in the middle of a shitstorm that involves your head soaked with the very milk that your bacteria-filled mouth has contaminated. Oh, and while we are on the topic of milk, leaving an almost empty glass of milk on your bedside table for over a week will be rigorously frowned upon, unless you are conducting some sort of biological experiment. You are not a biologist. Your lady is probably losing her shit right now as she cleans out the glass and tries not to vomit from the nostril clenching stench of sour milk.
- Don’t leave your belongings laying around the house for weeks and then act all annoyed when your lady loses her shit because she has had to pick them up. Yes, of course she leaves her stuff laying around, too, but the difference is that she is the one who picks up her stuff. You don’t pick up her stuff, so she should not have to pick up yours. You’re an adult. Pick up your shit or watch her lose hers.
- If you bring food to bed, don’t leave your half-eaten meal sitting on the bedside table for a week. It attracts bugs and it smells awful. Bad smells will make your lady lose her shit. Your lady is quite neurotic at times.
- Your lady, because she is a woman, has a tendency to nurture and take care of you. This will most likely show itself in the form of acts of service – cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, laundry, dishes, etc.. She will do these things 80-90% of the time and she will most likely never ask you to thank her for doing it. Just because she doesn’t ask or seem to expect it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t do it. Thank her. Regularly and profusely. Also, if you happen to help her out by doing a few chores, don’t puff up your chest and tell everyone and their dog that you did the laundry or grocery shopped because chances are you have done this a handful of times in months and your need for recognition and thanks will make your lady lose her shit.
- Speaking of shit…If you leave poo poo stains on the toilet, CLEAN THE TOILET. This is not rocket science, only basic hygiene. CLEAN THE MOTHERFUCKING TOILET or watch your lady lose her shit about your shit, so-to-speak.
- Women need romance on a regular basis – wining, dining, movies, games, trips to Paris, etc. – even if you believe that just being in your omnipotent presence is enough for us. It is not. Bring on the romance or, inevitably, shit may start flying at your head when your lady begins to feel neglected…BTW, romance does not involve you dry humping her leg in the kitchen and laughing hysterically while she makes dinner.
- Farting is NOT funny all the time. There is really no call for laughing out loud, maniacally, every time you fart. Over time, this will definitely make your lady lose her shit on you. Laughing even harder when she does is definitely not the way to solve the issue.
- Your lady does not want to see the pyramid you are building out of empty beer cans. They stink and they cause clutter. Clutter makes her lose her shit. Like I said, neurotic…She needs to see you cart those bad boys to the recycle depot and, while your at it, you should probably vacuum and take out the trash, just for good measure. The more you do, the less likely it is that she will lose her shit.
- Your lady, although she will vent to you and ask, “What should I do?” does NOT want your advice. EVER. She merely wants you to let her get her stresses off her chest and then she wants you to hug her and tell her that everything will work out. If you give her advice because you mistakenly believe she wants it, you will truly experience why women are so hard for you men to understand as her focus shifts from her dilemma to how unsupportive you are because you don’t listen to her well enough. If you offer her advice, be prepared for her to lose her shit. Also, be prepared to be in the dog house for a few days. (I can’t explain the why of this to you. I can only warn you and let you use this information as you see fit.)
- Hanging your lady’s G-Strings from the moose rack in the living room right before your buddies come over to hang out and drink beer is NOT a good way to prevent your lady from losing her shit. Just sayin…
- If your lady asks you to do something or fix something, please try to do it as soon as possible. Don’t put it off for a month (or more…my dad once left a new bathtub in the hallway for about four years) and only do it when she loses her shit. That’s just plain annoying.
- When you come home from work and need to chillax, leaving your dirty work socks on the living room floor (or your work pants at the door on top of your work boots) is a great way to ensure that no chillaxing will be accomplished. Your stinky, dirty clothes belong in the hamper (you know, the one beside the bed that you seem to be unable to hit with accuracy). The last thing you want when you come home from work is for your lady to lose her shit on you. Therefore, no dirty clothes laying around the house. 🙂
- DO NOT…I repeat, DO NOT return the following items to the fridge: empty milk jugs, empty salad dressings – actually, empty containers of anything – if you don’t want your lady to lose her shit.
- Almost finished beer should be poured down the sink, not left laying around the house to attract bugs and/or start growing mold. FYI, the Man Cave does not smell good when the door opens and stale beer smell wafts up into the rest of the house. Stale beer smell makes your lady lose her…well, you know!
Right now, as I’m trying to think of other pieces of “advice” that I could add to this list, I am wondering how many women are reading it and snorting with laughter.
I will think of more as the day wears on, but if you would like to add something to the list, feel free to post it!
Have a great day my friends. I wish you all enough…
Here’s a random pic from the many I’ve been editing lately.