If I Owned A Line of Feminine Hygiene Products – UPDATED

I started this blog a few months ago when I was surfing the crimson wave and bitchy as can be, but then I got sidetracked (probably by tranquilizers made for heinous menstrual cramps) and never finished it.

Right now I’m in full-on procrastination mode, so I figure it’s a good time to complete my bleeding bitch fest!

I know I’ve spoken about Always before in an old G&A post, but I’ve never reallllllly delved into it in a blog focusing on it as the only topic, so let’s get er done!

Always – that staple feminine product line that every woman in the last 40 years has grown up hearing about and using – can, in a nutshell, SUCK IT! You and your carefree slogans such as, “Have a happy period” are just, well, really? NO. REALLY?

I know a truckload of women and am 100% certain that I have never met one woman who enjoys it when blood flows out of her netherregions.

Here’s the main page of the Always website:

This is exactly  how I feel when I have my period. You? Actually, it’s exactly how I feel when Aunt Flo isn’t visiting me and I see their slogans. BAHAHAHAHAH…

Here’s my suggestion for Always (and every other feminine hygiene product out there on the market): STOP BULLSHITTING THE WORLD!

If I ran a Fem Hyg company, the front page of our website would have a chick laying flat out on a couch with her hair a mess, no makeup on, her sweat pants pulled down below her waist and a heating pad strapped to her belly with with a bungee cord. In one hand she’d have a foot tall chocolate bar and in the other she’d be choking the life out of one of those squishy stress dolls (or her husband, if he could fit in the picture). She’d be growling and her eyes would be glowing red and the caption would read, “If you have to feel as though tiny, nasty knife-wielding maniacs are cutting you apart from the inside and making you bleed like a stuck pig every month, you may as well bleed on something else besides your pants, the couch or the seat of your car. Use our product line. We can’t guarantee it will improve your mood or take the pain away, but we sure as shit can help prevent you from bleeding down your pant leg and leaving a conspicuous trail of bright red lady blood wherever you go.”

And the company slogan would be, “Bleeding every month really fucking sucks. True story.”

No need to beat around the bush with this kind of thing. I’d just tell it and show it like it is and I’d probably sell 4 bazillion products in one week.

I think I might be in the wrong business…

Soooooo, I posted my blog on my personal page and my photography page yesterday (well, actually, it automatically posts itself because my blog is all automated and shit ya’ll) and one of the ladies I went to high school with posted this:

wow. i completely disagree with you. you can now say that you know a woman who fully embraces bleeding monthly. your entire blog is the exact mindset that i have been and currently working on changing. i would say it’s been at least a couple generations now that women have been programmed to be ashamed of and hating this sacred bodily function. it wasn’t too long ago that i received some words of advice from you saying something along the lines of ‘the energy you put out to the universe you will receive’. if you would like to learn more about the Women’s Place of Power, come visit our virtual Red Tent:https://www.facebook.com/groups/197353510337349/

  • Women’s Place of Power is a sacred space for women of all colors and cultural ba…

I feel the need to address this post. So, while I really do understand that women bleed every month for a reason and it is good, healthy and wholly necessary for our bodies and our minds, just because I understand the significance behind the bodily function does not mean, in any way, that I have to embrace it or like it. My periods have been, to put it mildly, ridiculously painful physically and extremely taxing mentally since the first time I ever had one. I have endometriosis and a brain tumour that messes with my hormones  and, in a nutshell, makes each and every period a living fucking hell (close to the feeling of being in labour each and every month) and, despite six surgeries to remove scar tissue and relieve the pain, nothing ever works or helps. So I suffer for five to six days every month, barely able to function because the pain is so intense and my mind becomes frazzled and super bitchy because I am dealing with crazy hormones and intense pain. Who wants to embrace that shit? Not only that, but I have had eight miscarriages and lost two babies (one at 6 months along and one premie), so every time I get my period, I am reminded of my body’s epic failure to provide a safe, welcome place for a baby to grow and be nurtured through the journey into the world. So, while I applaud my friend’s enthusiasm in embracing her monthly visitor, I have to say that I am not and have never been ashamed of bleeding (nor will I ever be), but I sure as shit will never be excited or grateful to get my period. In fact, I often wonder why I even need a uterus since it’s clearly not meant for anything anymore. 

But, to all of the women who read this and feel offended that I don’t enjoy my period. My opinions and feelings are my own and you are all entitled to yours as well. If you want to love your period or “have a happy period”, go for it!

3 thoughts on “If I Owned A Line of Feminine Hygiene Products – UPDATED

  1. I so agree with you. We can discuss gay relationships on tv, serial killers, watch birth stories and breast feeding, watch real life medical issues, watch the crap real life Big Brother but we can’t do day to day. Hmmm, There has got to be some comedian that can do your image above, and not offend too many people that the tv exec think it will do. I was with the girls above snorting away!!!!

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