I had a few really bad days last week.
My energy was all over the place – crazy manic, ridiculously sad, raging anger, completely frustrated with everything and everyone. I ended up calling my friend Jen on her day off (she’s also my acupuncturist and you can check our her amazeballsness at www.vitalpoint.ca) and pretty much begging her to help fix my energy before I self destructed. And, because Jen is Jen and has an ever-flowing wellspring of love and a giving nature, she agreed and invited me to her place.
When I got there, I explained to her what was going on and asked her to look up my back pain in her Louise Hay book Heal Your Body to see what might be causing this constant chronic back problem and all the pain associated with it. I’ve been going to physio, massage therapy, acupuncture and anything else that I think might help it for a couple of months and it is not healing. At this point, I was almost desperate to understand what was going on and it was only as I was driving up to her place that I remembered that she had looked in her book for me once before, a long time ago, to see why my neck wasn’t healing.
Here’s what the book says:
-Fear of money. Lack of financial support.
-Anger and resistance.
-Not wanting to move in a certain direction in life.
When she read me the first part, I completely balked. WHAT? Fear of money? That’s the polar opposite of me. About the farthest thing from the truth. I live in a place of abundance and always think we have more than we’ll ever need.
The second part made sense. I was angry about something to do with derby and, up until that week, had really thought that I’d let that anger go and had moved on. Events of the week really brought it home to me that I hadn’t let it go and really needed to, so I embraced that part Louise’s teaching and Jen went to work to clear my energy.
I walked out of her place in a much better state of mind and feeling as though I had purged the anger demon from my soul and let it go (and very, VERY grateful to her for sharing her valuable time with me). I went home feeling ready to just let it go, let love flow and move forward and, for almost two weeks, I have been doing just that.
I’ve stopped myself every time I’ve felt that familiar annoyance and sadness about that particular issue creep in. I’ve said out loud, “I understand why I was upset, but it’s high time I let it go and just be happy for everyone, including myself. I’m letting this go.” It’s working really well and I feel so much calmer and happier about the situation. I even felt happy for my old team when they won their last game.
But the back pain is still persisting and it hurt like hell after I skated last night (first time on skates in two weeks), so I sat down today and re-examined the potential causes of my SI sprain.
As an aside, if you are like my husband and don’t believe that the mind is powerful enough to influence the body, then the rest of this blog will probably bore you to the point of wanting to stick a fork in your own eye just to liven things up. If, however, you subscribe to the notion that our minds can create illness and injury just by holding on to negativity, read on my brotha (or sista)!
I asked myself how I was feeling about the anger and resentment I’d been holding onto for so long and, even though I wasn’t completely over it, I was definitely feeling a release of emotion and was no longer stewing over it. In fact, like I just said, I was feeling happy that my old team was doing well and I really love their new uniforms. So, since that issue seemed to be clearing itself up, I focused on the lower back part of the problem.
Lower back: Fear of money. Lack of financial support.
I asked myself if perhaps I do have fears about money or if I feel that I have a lack of financial support somehow, even though I believe I’m all good. I sat with it nearly all day, examining my beliefs, my train of thought, the way I feel about money and finances. After hours and hours, all I could come up with is that I always believe we have more than enough than we’ll ever need.
And then Greg and I were sitting in the hottub, discussing the ins and outs of fixing up our house to sell/rent, building a new shed, buying a new house, etc. and it morphed into a full blown argument about how he never thinks we have enough money and I always think we have more than enough money. It was at the moment when the argument reached the point where I’d had enough and needed to just take a time out that my back spasmed and the answer to all of my questions smacked me right upside the head…or kicked me in the ass, so-to-speak.
Do I have a fear of money? Hell no, but Greg sure does. He lives in a place of fear where he worries about money all the time.
If we discuss anything that involves a big change (like buying a vehicle, fixing up the house, buying a new house, etc.), he will be guaranteed to give me one of three answers, not necessarily in this order.
We’re broke and we can’t afford it.
It will set us back years and we’ll never get ahead.
Jo, you need to make more money in order for us to be able to afford to move or to buy another house.
I haven’t always had enough. I know what it truly means to be broke. I know what it means to run completely out of everything and have to go to the food bank to put food in my belly and welfare to keep a roof over my head. I know what it’s like to live beyond my means (because I was young and stupid) and then lose possessions or have to sell them just to pay rent and utilities. I’ve been there and it has given me an appreciation for having what I’ve had in the last 15 years – a relatively stable life where I’m always able to have a roof over my head and food on my table. Greg has never known the feeling of an empty belly or truly empty pockets (and while I’m grateful for that, it’s also about 90% of the reason we have differing views on money and our ideas of what is “enough”). I don’t need a ton of shit (I do regular purges to minimize what we do have and give it to charity because we have MORE THAN WE NEED). I don’t need the finest that life has to offer and I sure as shit don’t need to live in a giant house with marble countertops, walk-in closets and an indoor pool (I mean, come ON, do you know how much work it would be to clean a place like that??? I can’t even keep the place we live in right now clean). And even though Greg doesn’t wish for these things either, he also can’t see things the way that I do. I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to and, most of the time, I respect that, and I let him have his beliefs about money while I continue to have mine.
Admittedly, we haven’t always been in the place of security we are now and we’ve made some financial mistakes and dug ourselves into a hole a couple of times – as most people do while they’re learning the ins and outs of managing finances and balancing life. But through all of that, we have always had enough money to pay our bills, put food in our bellies, keep a roof over our heads and still have fun and enjoy life.
But here’s the kicker. If you spend a decade living with and loving someone who is always in the mindset that they never have enough money – someone who always believes you are broke (even when you both do pretty much whatever you want, whenever you want and lead fairly privileged lives) and who is constantly telling you that you need to make more money (even though you already make a decent amount and are quite happy with the amount you make), it is bound to sink into your subconscious and show up as, GASP, a feeling that you lack financial support and it may make you a tad angry even if you try not to let it.
Even through maintaining my own convictions about money, my subconscious is constantly fighting against the tidal wave of we can’t afford to, we’ll never make that work, you don’t make enough, etc. and there is really only so much a mind can take before it has to let some of that negative energy go. And where does it go? Well, according to Louise Hay, right into my lower back.
JUMPING JESUS ON A POGO STICK and EUREKA!
And now I finally know. It’s not derby or working out or work that is causing me this grief. It’s my relationship with my husband and, specifically, our differing views on money, that is wreaking havoc on my back and preventing the healing process.
It feels good to finally see what’s going on. Of course, I don’t really know what to do about it or how to move forward and let the healing process begin, but as far as I’m concerned, just understanding what’s going on is half the battle and I’ve never shied away from a good battle now have I!