I have finally finished writing down everything I can remember about this experience and I’ve separated it into a few themes so it will be easier to read through and process.
Life has been very strange for me this past month. I have yet to feel “worked up” about anything that comes across my path and, for me, this is as foreign as the concept of addiction. I just can’t quite comprehend it.
Since I last blogged, I’ve been learning to “read” the humming that I feel inside me all the time. Mostly, it feels as though there is an electrical current running through my veins. If someone close to me is excited or agitated or upset, the intensity of the vibrations increases until I feel as though pins and needles are moving up and down my spine. If I concentrate on the energy around me, I can not only pinpoint the source of the person who is spiking the vibrations, but I can also pick up the reason or emotion behind it. At first, when I realized what was happening, I thought it was the coolest thing ever, but after a week of constantly feeling the intensity of this energy ebbing and flowing, I started to feel frazzled, bombarded by vibes and totally reluctant to leave my house for fear that I would encounter too much of it all at once. I imagine that my eldest brother, who has schizophrenia, often feels just as overwhelmed by the voices he hears and, for the first time in my entire life, I finally have an inkling of understanding of what he goes through on a daily basis. For him, it’s voices; for me, energy.
I asked a psychic friend to help me learn to cut off the energy radar when I don’t want to feel it and she gave me a plethora of ideas of how I can contain it. The best, though, is to imagine everyone around me in a hamster bubble that contains them and their energy. It is super easy to do and it makes me laugh all the time to imagine people hanging out in an invisible hamster bubble. I have also started imagining myself surrounded by really strong, but lightweight bubble wrap with reflective material on the outside to push people’s energy back toward them and keep it away from me. Both methods work, depending on what state of mind I’m in and I’m grateful for the advice that Donna gave me! Thanks homie!
I decided to talk about judging ourselves and others in this part of the series because the conversations I had with mom and the feeling I had of being wholly unjudged while I was with her is a feeling that I have hung on to since. I want everyone to be able to feel the freedom and peace that letting go of judgement gives me.
Society, in the broad spectrum, is judgemental. We compare ourselves to others – their looks, beliefs, standards, morals, practices, etc. – and, if they somehow don’t measure up to our own system of values and beliefs, then we judge them lacking or, just as bad, we try to knock them down because we don’t want to believe that anyone is “better” than we are. It is a universal epidemic and it not only causes conflict, but wars and genocide over our differences. I could go on and on about how damaging judging others is, but I don’t have to because EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS IS TRUE – whether or not people choose to admit it as a truth is their lesson to learn, not mine to teach. Judgement is the worst plague on our planet as it leads to the breakdown and destruction of love and love has the limitless potential to make the world the most beautiful and harmonious place in the cosmos.
Before I got sick, people judging each other over everything used to get under my skin, so deep that I would lose sleep over it. I would hear the things other people were saying about me or that I had said about them – things that were just simply not true or taken out of context or twisted – and I would lose sleep over the possibility that other people would believe what they were hearing about me. It would spark all sorts of fear inside me that people would believe I was not kind or good or that I didn’t go out of my way to do nice things for people all the time. It would start a vicious downward spiral – I would worry that others would believe the worst of me, which would make me start wondering if maybe people thought I really was a terrible person, which would lead me to second guess my thoughts and actions and question if I were a good person, which would leave me feeling all tangled up and self-doubting, which would cause me to start feeling judgemental toward the people who were saying shit about me. It happened much too often and, despite being the type of person who felt fairly confident most of the time, I often let myself get caught in the web of guilt and doubt that judgement causes.
My NDE made me realize something I had never caught on to before and that is that I spent too much time judging myself too harshly, based on other people’s judgements of me, and not loving myself unconditionally-as Source does. When I was floating in white mist, all spread out as a bunch of particles, all I felt was pure acceptance and love. There was no doubt, no negativity, no accusations, no judgement. There was only peace and love and acceptance. I knew that no matter what I had done while alive, I would NEVER be judged for it in this place or ever.
When I woke up, I instantly understood that, before that moment, I hadn’t been able to completely love and accept myself for who I was, so I hadn’t been able to completely love and accept others for who they were. But then I went where I went (somewhere between time or within all of time) and I felt what I felt (the most deeply potent love and pure connection I have ever experienced) and now I know what I know (no matter what we learn or don’t learn here on earth, we are not being judged for any of it by Source). Since this happened, my previous need to judge others and myself has been rapidly disappearing. I know now that I don’t have to waste my energy trying to defend myself when others talk shit or lie about me or assume I’ve done or said things that I haven’t. I don’t have to lose sleep over the possibility that people will believe the hype they hear. I just have to remember to carry on, guided by the love that is filling me up and trust that I’m following the path I’m meant to follow without letting fear guide my footsteps. If I love and accept myself, then it’s easy to love and accept others and, ironically, this love for myself will be contagious until soon the people who judge me will begin to judge themselves less and thereby judge others, including me, less. My lack of judgement will create a beautiful epidemic of unicorns shitting rainbows. Who wouldn’t want that to happen?
I have already felt the epic shift that has started within me. It seems such a small thing, but the absence of judgement is HUGE and profound and mind boggling. It changes perspective on everything. I no longer rage at the injustice of animal cruelty and wish harm upon the people who hurt or abuse animals. Instead, I immediately feel joy when these animals are rescued or when their suffering ends and they can return to the place where I went, where they will feel the all-consuming peace and love that I felt. I no longer immediately judge criminals who commit unspeakable acts of cruelty on other people or murder others. Instead, I wonder what lessons they chose to learn during this lifetime and whether they are learning them. I no longer get upset when people say nasty things about me or lie to others about me or shoot me down to build themselves up. I just tell myself all that matters is how I feel about myself and that I learn the lessons I am supposed to be learning. I am positive that one of those lessons is letting shit go and forgiving the people who do and say things on purpose to hurt others, including me. And the really cool thing is, once you start judging yourself and others less, the letting go and forgiving part comes naturally.
So, give it a try if you want to see how good it feels. The next time you look at someone, choose to tune out the little asshat voice in your head that picks them apart and compares yourself to them. Instead, just really take a good look at them and will yourself to just see them for them – just a person who is totally unique and connected to you and everyone else. The next time you do something and then immediately feel the need to beat yourself up about it, choose not to. Instead, remind yourself that you are supposed to make mistakes and learn the lessons from them and that not everything you think is a mistake is actually a mistake. Be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break. If you can’t love and accept yourself the way you are, you will never be able to love and accept others for who they are.