For a few weeks, I thought and felt that being so much more aware and connected, since I had my NDE in March, was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Well, the irony of it all is that life has become exceedingly more difficult since I came back with a new perspective.
Now that the initial euphoria of all that I experienced has started to wear off, I’m feeling more and more off. I constantly feel “scrambled”, for lack of a better way to describe what is going on within me. I feel everything – all of the energy around me; all of the emotions pouring out of people; all of the unspoken feelings that people hide with their happy faces and completely fake words. I am overwhelmed with all of the feelings, the energy, the vibes, the everything that is constantly swarming around me. I actually feel completely exhausted and super cranky today because I have been spending weeks protecting myself from other people’s energy vibrations and it takes a lot out of me.
I am trying my best to just let it all flow through me without paying too much attention to it, but sometimes it grabs me so quickly and with so much strength that I don’t stand a snowball’s chance. It can take a split second for me to switch from a great mood to feeling like I want to dragon kick someone right in the teeth. Then, without anything seeming to change, I switch back to feeling great again. At first, I thought I was having some ridiculous hormone thing going on, but after a few weeks, I realized it was energy vibes and not anything physical.
I spent some time with some of my derby girls over the weekend -people I absolutely LOVE to pieces-and I had to set a timer to buzz on my cell phone every five minutes to remind me to strengthen and fortify the imaginary protective bubble around myself to ward off the energy pouring out of a couple of them. The worst part was that they were all smiles and happiness and enthusiasm on the outside, but their energy was the complete opposite. It was all angst and resentment and exhaustion and annoyance and blah. After a couple hours, it was too much and it started getting through my defences and I found myself thinking shitty things and feeling sad and gross. It took me the 1.5 hour drive home to chillax myself and even then, I had a doozy of a headache and missed my Father-In-Law’s birthday dinner because I was totally spent and just wanted to lie down.
While I am still in awe of what I went through and amazed at the way I now view the world from a much less judgemental and more loving and accepting standpoint, I spend most days feeling completely lost, scatter-brained, overwhelmed and completely without motivation. I’ve lost my focus and passion for so many of my usual goals and motivations. Some days, I just want to laze about the house and let my mind drift so I don’t have to deal with work, people, energy or anything outside my easy-to-maintain house bubble. I am completely aware of this and am doing my best to just let it pass through me, in hopes that it will spend itself and I will once again feel the zest for life that I’ve always had, but I have to say that, at this point, being a hermit feels comfortable.
I have no idea how super intuitive psychic/medium peeps even function from day to day without going completely crazy. It’s ridiculous that someone like me – someone who loves being with people, making people laugh, being creative, being helpful, etc.- suddenly dreads leaving the house because the thought of having to protect my energy, yet again, drains me of all of my oomph.
Oh yah, and while I’m ranting, let me tell you about my latest quirk – a super sensitive, built in bullshit detector. Those vibrations that I’ve been feeling, since I came back, start to hum like a thousand bees under my skin when people are lying to me. The bigger the lie, the more my body vibrates. A couple people lately have made me feel like I’m wired for sound, all jumpy and twitchy and flitty – my arms, especially, vibrate like I’m a human-sized humming bird. Not only that, but I can think back on conversations I’ve had with people and the same sensation happens if someone has lied to me. It is really annoying. Why? Because I can hardly say to someone, “You, sir, are a stone cold liar. I know this because my body feels like I’m sitting in the electric chair while I’m talking to you.” I have conversations now, knowing I’m being lied to – even if it’s only a small lie meant to protect my feelings – and I have to grin and bear it because I don’t know how to explain this to people.
My intuition and understanding of things is also really sharp right now. A “friend” of mine told me the other day that I’m a “small doses” kind of person. As in, she can only handle being around me in small doses because I’m just too much sometimes and I never stop and it’s “hard to put up with”. It’s not the first time I’ve heard this, so it didn’t bother me at all. I am friends with many people who are small dose kind of people. I enjoy the shit out of them when I’m with them, as long as it’s not for too long! I also think everyone needs a break from each other now and then. Spending too much time with any one person, no matter how much you love them, can wear away at your nerves. Absence really does make the heart grow fonder…mostly because it makes us forget each other’s annoying traits. Bahahaha!
However, when I sat quietly and thought about this person and her words, my vibrations flew off the charts and, in only a few seconds, everything became clear to me.
She spends a lot of her time pretending to be someone she is not and she is worried that I will out her to others by saying or doing something that contradicts with the picture she has painted of herself. Growing up, I never presented my true self to anyone because I so strongly wanted to fit in and be cool, so I totally understand why she acts this way. She is insecure in herself and simply hasn’t grown out of that need to have everyone think she is the coolest, funniest, most caring, giving, loving person ever. Maybe she never will. She expends a lot of energy trying to always present only the best aspects of herself to anyone who is popular, influential, etc., so they would never believe that she has a nasty, mean side or that she intentionally hurts people to knock them down a notch on a regular basis-which she does. We all have a less than desirable side. It’s called being human. The irony of all of this is that I don’t give a flying fuck what she does or how she acts as long as she presents all of her true self to me, which she does…as long as the cool kids aren’t around. The nature of pretending, though, is that it makes you paranoid that others will find out you’re deceiving them. We have all lied and we all know the feeling of, “Oh shit! How am I going to get myself out of this one?” It’s an awful feeling and it can suck your energy dry faster than any energy vampire can. This gal spends so much of her time carefully spinning her web that when I’m around her, the effort to maintain constant vigilance and try to avoid being found out is too much effort and it probably drains her dry. And, since she is not the type of person to recognize what she is doing, she most likely sees me as the source of the energy drain and feels that she has to keep her distance. In reality, she’s draining her own energy by living in a partial truth. That is some super deep shit, but it makes perfect sense to me and it all came to me as one blip moment of complete understanding, along with the hummingbird in my veins effect. I am definitely a small dose kind of person for some people, but for others, the reason behind it has little to do with me.
So, to recap: These days I’m a walking, vibrating, energy receptacle who also happens to be a human bullshit detector. On the one hand, it is a genuine gift that has been opened up to me through a traumatic and life altering experience, but on the other, it’s completely exhausting trying to learn how to deal with it and control it or shut it off when it gets to be too much. I’m figuring it out, but I’m also spending a lot of my time staying away from people and crowds. Hopefully, it won’t take me eons to figure out how to balance it and use it on a daily basis. Then maybe I’ll be able to get back to working and living without feeling the need to turn tail and run from all the vibes I’m picking up on.
Or maybe I’ll hang up a shingle as a human lie detector…
One love ya’ll.