Destination Wedding Woes & The Shit We Carry With Us

wedding couple destination wedding cuba
If you know me, you know I’m not afraid to share my thoughts and feelings and, often, after I’ve had some time to process, I need to blog to get it out and forget about it. This one is long, so if you have shit to do, this will probably distract you…
A couple years ago, I had one hell of a shitty experience shooting a destination wedding (due to both my own shit and others’). It was the straw that temporarily broke my wedding-shooting back and I gave up shooting weddings for awhile until I could find my way back to a healthy wedding-photography mindset, which I’m happy to report, I have.
And, ironically, it had zip to do with my ability to shoot a wedding and everything to do with my ability to allow self-sabotaging insecurities creep in and overrun my creativity and talents. Ya’ll know what they say about hindsight, right?
Although this wedding was in Cuba in 2015, the story actually starts wayyy back in high school (think early 90s…yah, I’m getting up there) and it carries on into the present. It’s not pretty or easy to talk about, but I’m going to spit it out here and then let it go.
In high school, my main crowd was made up of what is probably best described as the “In Crowd”. Of course, that’s totally tongue-in-cheek because our graduation class was a whopping 34 people so how many crowds could we actually have? Amiright! Anywho, this crowd was made up of a core group of ladies and, at the head of those ladies was a quintessential Mean Girl. Let’s call her Penelope.
Caveat: High School sees people put up with a lot of shit that our adult counterparts wouldn’t put up with for ten seconds, so try to keep in mind that these days, I wouldn’t keep people like this within a mile of my day-to-day life.
Penelope was pretty and popular and, as these things go, had minions who followed her lead, no matter how shitty and cruel it was. Penelope would, essentially, “allow” the rest of our girl group to like me one day and then shun me the next. I spent my entire high school experience walking around on eggshells around her-always fearful of what I would say or do next that would change my status with her from “friend” to enemy. One day she would laugh when I was being my quirky, outspoken crazy self and everything would be good and the next she would shun me and call me a loser for being the same way. It was a constant roller coaster of being accepted and rejected and I rode that shit for years. Sometimes I would be accepted and allowed to hang out with Penelope and her Posse and sometimes (for months at a time) I would be shunned, ignored, or, even worse, publicly ridiculed. Like that time, for example, in Grade 10 when I was, once again, on the “you’re not cool enough to hang out with us” list. One day after gym class, Penelope and her bosom buddy Petunia (who I will introduce below) and the rest of my so-called friends made fun of the way I pulled up my pants (because, apparently, I did it “weird”), pantomiming (pun-intended) me pulling them up over and over again and laughing hysterically until I left the locker room (and school) in tears. I stayed home for two days, pretending to have the flu so I wouldn’t have to face all those chicks while I was still so hurt by their teasing.  I think it was around the start of Grade 12 that I reached my saturation point and I finally began to activly seek retaliation for Penelope’s mean girl behaviour. I sought out opportunities to undermine her, embarrass her, and hurt her feelings whenever I could and every time I managed to stick it to her, it felt really good.
[NOTE: This was ridiculous and utterly childish vindictive bullshit behaviour, but I was 17 and didn’t understand the world the way I do these days. I did what any kid would do and I fought the pain of being treated like shit by treating her like shit. I felt justified at the time. It seemed only fair that after being shit on for years, I was finally starting to give her a taste of her own pain-inflicting ways. I don’t regret it and I’m not ashamed of it. It was simply how I coped without knowing enough to learn and grow from the life lesson behind it.
Strangely enough, we even hung out for awhile after high school. I can’t tell you why because I didn’t even LIKE Penelope and our relationship was strained and unfriendly a lot of the time, but we did have some good, genuine laughs now and then and perhaps thats why I stuck with it. She finally just phased me out of her life and I was totally okay with it. Kind of relieved, actually. It wasn’t until after she phased me out that I realized how dysfunctional our “friendship” had been and how much easier it was without her in my life, but I learned A LOT from that relationship and learned to recognize my vindictive tendencies. If someone hurt me, I retaliated. I hadn’t yet learned the “just forgive them and forget them” method of living a much happier life, but recognizing my patterns through that relationship helped me to learn it.]
Petunia was another gal in the same crowd and she was, by far, the one who followed Penelope’s lead most often. Petunia has a giant heart and has always wanted to see the best in people, but she’s also really easily led and didn’t even realize how cruel she was to me so often while we were growing up. And, despite all the shit of high school, I’ve always loved her.
In 2014, Petunia called me up and invited me out for lunch and told me she was getting married in Cuba. She wanted me to be part of the wedding and, thinking about Penelope who was going to be the MOH, I politely declined, but said I would definitely attend. We ended up agreeing that I would shoot the wedding so I could still be a part of the day.
However, by this time I was pretty jiggy with my intuition and, from the moment Petunia told me she was getting married, my gut alarm bells started clanging to the tune of, “JO! Stay away from anything to do with this wedding!” And, like the ridiculously stubborn Scorpio I am, I shushed my gut and told it that everything would be great – after all, 20+ years had passed and we were all very different people. It would be a much different experience than high school. We’d all grown up and had some life experience to change us, right?
Nope.
To make matters far worse, Petunia said something like, “Peter (let’s pretend Peter is the name of Petunia’s Fiancé) isn’t going to be super excited about the cost to get you to shoot our wedding, but I’ll convince him that it’ll be worth it.” Great! Can’t wait to rise up and meet that challenge. Ding Ding, gut alarm. Ding Ding, gut alarm.
I tried to psych myself up for a week hanging out with Penelope, Petunia and another friend of ours (let’s call her Poppy) whom I love all the way up to the moon and always have. I figured that if Poppy was there, any shit that happened would be worth it because I would get to hang out with her after so long.
I also invited my Sis-In-Law and another friend to come for the week. I figured that I could hang with my own peeps if I didn’t want to hang with all the wedding guests and it would be a good opportunity to chillax and get some much-needed bestie time in.
Nope again.
Firstly, before I get into the point of this entire post, let me just fully disclose my giant fuck-ups with this wedding.
1) I told Petunia and Peter that I would be happy to shoot them doing other things besides the wedding – if they went on excursions or whatever. What I totally forgot about and didn’t really think through was that I get brutal motion sickness, so when they decided to take a bus tour through Havana and a catamaran tour, I couldn’t go on either. Trying to shoot on a bus would have done me in, but trying to shoot on a boat would have put me where I’ve been too many times (arms wrapped around a rail, supplying a never-ending stream of chum and bile to the happy fishes). When I say I get motion sick, it doesn’t even really describe how brutal it is. I end up feeling like death for days afterward. (I tried to make up for it by shooting a bunch of photos during their stag/stagette night).
2) I completely ignored not only my gut about what a terrible idea it was to even attend the wedding, let alone shoot it but I also ignored the concrete realization that my own marriage was done and I was not in a good mindset to shoot a wedding. My husband and I had been down a long road of shit and heartache and inability to comprehend each other after our daughter died and we were separating. (I tried to ignore that feeling because it was much too late to back out of shooting the wedding and I was trying to pull up my big girl professional panties and do my job).
3) I foolishly believed I had dealt with all the shit feelings I had about Mean Girl Penelope from our younger days and trusted that I was capable of being my usual self –the chick who doesn’t give a fuck what others think of me and who trusts in her creative and artistic talents.
That last fuck up, on top of everything else, is what did me in. I may have believed I had moved on and was fully capable of being my adult self and recognizing and dealing with my insecurities as they reared up, but I had never actually been around Penelope to test that theory and have some practice with it.
Triple nope.
Do ya’ll know what ignoring your intuition and insight gets you? A shitshow, that’s what.
The first night we were all together in Cuba and everyone was drinking it up and having a good time, I let myself relax and thought that it was all going to be all right after all. Everybody was getting along well, we were all laughing about funny things that happened in high school (because despite the emotional roller coaster, I still had some good times), and enjoying ourselves. I woke up feeling happy and excited to do a rad job on Petunia’s wedding, yet still, my gut was not having it. 
The next night there was a stag/stagette and, near the end of the night when she was a bit drunk, Penelope was kind enough to tell me, “Peter really didn’t want you to come to shoot the wedding, but both Petunia and I convinced him it was a good idea and that you will do a great job. I hope you do.” She giggled and walked off and I stood there, feeling a flush creep up my face and insecurity begin washing through me. I fucked off back to my room, put my camera away and journaled the entire night, in an attempt to analyze my feelings and get them under control. (This is what I do when I need to process, I write it all out and analyze it until I find the hidden meanings, the lesson, or the solution).
The following day, I was sitting with Peter, waiting to meet with their wedding coordinator while Petunia was up chatting with some other people, and Peter and I were chatting about weddings and my wedding experience. I mentioned that I had heard that he didn’t want to hire me because I was expensive, but I wanted him to know that I was good at my job and he wouldn’t be disappointed. I was still feeling insecurities creep in from Penelope’s comment the evening before (and, truthfully, journaling about it had not helped take the feeling away) and I was also feeling a bit annoyed because I had already given them a HUGE discount (I halved my regular price, actually) and here I was, dealing with how “expensive” I was, yet again. I was feeling fed up with people not realizing my worth (ah, the Ego eh…) and when Peter made a comment about Petunia mentioning I was thinking of retiring from shooting weddings, I lost my shit for a sec and snapped at him. I told him that weddings were too much stress and too much work (which they aren’t) and I was tired of people bitching about how expensive wedding photography is and being completely ignorant of the amount of time and work that goes into photographing a wedding. Needless to say, that conversation didn’t go over very well with either of us and totally left me looking like an asshat who hated shooting weddings (which I didn’t and still don’t). It wasn’t my best professional moment, although it was a raw and true one, but at that point, my anxiety level was rising about a meter a minute and I was already in danger of drowning.
After that, everything snowballed.
By the morning of the wedding, I was stressed-the-fuck-out. I told my Sis-in-Law at breakfast that I could feel that it was going to be a shitshow and, well…what we focus on, we create. Simple concept. Profound result when we allow shit thoughts to take over.
It was, literally, one thing after another…
It started out, right off the hop, with Penelope telling me what she thought I should and shouldn’t shoot. “Oh, no, don’t get a shot of Petunia brushing her teeth in her wedding dress. That’s just tacky.” “You should get a shot of such and such while they are doing such and such.” This happens to me ALL THE TIME when I shoot weddings and I just smile and nod and, if their idea is good or will fit in with what I’m doing, I’ll happily snap a suggested pic. However, after about the sixth suggestion, I was fucking annoyed that Penelope seemed to think she knew how to shoot a wedding better than I did. (yes, hell again, Ego, fancy seeing you here again so soon…;)) Moreso, though, there were now regular looks being exchanged between Penelope and Petunia and I was picking up on all of them. Looks that said, “Are you seeing this? The photographer is refusing to shoot photos. Can you believe it?”
Here are two of these look moments that stuck out to me and completely unravelled my confidence (even though I knew the shots WOULD NOT work and had proven it by trying it during other weddings and failing):
The wedding party wanted to do pics at the beach, mid-day. I told them that, from my experience, there would be too many people, it would be stiflingly hot, the light was too bright and would cast too many shadows under their eyes, etc. I suggested we shoot at the beach near sunset when the light was good, there would be next to no people, and we could get a lot of good shots in a short time. Penelope gave me “Don’t you think you should taking the kind of photos the bride and groom are asking for?” to which I replied, “She hired me because I know what I’m doing and I hope she trusts me enough to know the reasons I’ve given her are true rather than wasting time at the beach when we could be shooting elsewhere and getting good shots.” And that was followed by “the look” between Penelope and Petunia again.
I was chatting with someone while we were waiting for a few wedding party people to meet us at a room and a sweet moment developed between the Peter and his stepdaughter. I heard Penelope said to Petunia, “You should get Jo to take a pic of them ” and Petunia immediately nudged me and said, “Look at them. Can you take a pic?” but by the time I turned around and brought up my camera, the moment had passed. Petunia asked me to re-create it and I explained that, if I asked them to do it again, it would not have been a genuine shot and it would have shown in the photo. I told them there would definitely be other moments and I would catch one of them. Again, that look. I’ve tried to re-create real moments after the fact and, trust me, they are ingenuine. That’s not me. I’m not going to force a moment just because someone sees me with a camera and tells me I should. There are HUNDREDS of moments during a wedding day and we can’t be expected to capture every single one. We grab the ones we see – the genuine, unscripted ones – and they end up being spectacular.
The rest of the day continued along the same lines…
I realized around dinner time that all the insecurities I had taken away from being around them in high school had come back full-force and that I had completely reverted to that “please just like me” pathetic person I had been back then, willing to put up with any of Penelope’s shit just so I wouldn’t have to be shunned or see her give that fucking look to Petunia. It was at dinner that I finally decided to have a glass of wine and just say, “fuck it” and go with the flow. I don’t normally drink at weddings until the end of the day and, even though I had tried to drink a beer earlier that afternoon, I’d only made it through a few sips before setting it down and forgetting about it. The wine helped a bit and at least relaxed a bit of my anxiety. After dinner, I tried for an hour to wrangle the wedding party to get them down to the beach for sunset photos, but it was like herding cats and, by the time I finally got them down there, we had about 15 minutes of light left and I was completely exhausted after a day of fighting my own shit and theirs. The pics weren’t my usual caliber and I was completely defeated.
In a nutshell, it fucking sucked.
Ironically, during the reception, I somehow found myself standing with Poppy listening to Penelope while she told us about how much her daughter struggled with her little school friends. “One day they like her and the next they tell her they don’t want to play with her. Girls are so mean and it’s so hard to see her struggle like that.” Poppy and I stood there, mouths hanging open, looking at each other in complete disbelief that the Queen of the Kingdom of Mean Girls still didn’t have a fucking clue what a colossal cunt she had been all through school. At that point, which was near the end of the evening, I’d had enough and I didn’t need to be there to shoot anything else, so I packed up my shit, grabbed another glass of wine for the road, and headed back to my room.
I went to bed that night and cried myself quietly to sleep. I was mortified that I had allowed insecurities and anxieties ( from more than 20 years ago) completely rear up and take over. I was frustrated because I knew that the photos of the day were not the amazing, creative, happy quality I usually produced. And, mostly, I was pissed off for allowing my ego to get my back up when faced with a semi-drunk (and a few completely drunk) wedding party peeps who were pushy, didn’t want to hear my advice, and made me feel like I sucked and didn’t know what I was doing.
So how did it all end, you wonder?
No surprises here.
Petunia didn’t like her photos.
Peter wrote me a scathing email about how I was an “amateur masquerading as a professional”, how I’d “misrepresented my abilities and duped his wife into hiring me” and how I’d spent the entire trip in a “tequila-infused stupor” (even though I had only consumed tequila or been drunk on the first and last day of the entire trip and had barely drunk anything for the rest of it). It bothered me that he could say such shitty things, but I was also expecting it from him, so I wasn’t surprised. If a person doesn’t want to hire you from the get-go and you hear it from multiple people, it’s not a stretch to receive an email about how much you sucked.
The one thing, out of the entire email, that yanked my chain and made me feel genuinely angry was that he also said I didn’t make his wife feel beautiful at all during the entire wedding. That one pissed me off. Petunia had been ridiculously insecure about her looks since we were in Elementary school and, during the day of the wedding, I told her (probably 25 times) how ridiculously gorgeous she looked, how she made such a stunning bride, how she chose a perfect dress for her body type, how gorgeous her hair and makeup looked, etc. If there is something I’m going to do while I’m shooting ANY WOMAN, I’m going to make her understand that she is beautiful in as many ways as possible. I purposely sought out opportunities all during the day of shooting to let Petunia know how amazing she looked. So when I read that bit, my head blew off my shoulders and spun in circle like that chick in the Exorcist…for a few minutes anyway. BUT, ironically, looking back, I realized that if a person is focusing on an insecurity, they don’t hear the truth of what’s being said, they hear what they want to hear. Just as I was focusing on my insecurities surrounding high school bullshit, so Petunia was focusing on being uncomfortable with her body and being the center of attention. She probably didn’t hear my words of admiration at all. It also explained why she didn’t like any of her photos, even though she was a fucking knockout in all of them. In the end, I couldn’t change any of it, so I let it all go.
I responded by editing all 300+ photos anyway, refunding all of their money, and sending them a short email that said I was sorry that I didn’t meet their expectations and I hope that they can still look back on and enjoy the photos anyway. I didn’t try to defend myself because, really, they wouldn’t have listened or understood anyhow and it hardly mattered anymore. People believe what they want to believe, so why waste time trying to convince them otherwise. And, obviously, there went that 34-year friendship with Petunia. That stung a bit, but the nature of life is that people come and go.
Then, in a huge dramatic fit, I decided that I was done and I gave up on weddings “forever”, had a slight mental breakdown, and went to a “few” (ahem…nine or so) counselling sessions to learn how to deal with all of the baggage I’d been carrying around since high school. That’s how I learned about “Playing the Victim” and how to prevent myself from ever falling into the trap of giving my power away to someone else by allowing them to dictate my emotional responses. It’s how I learned, for good this time, that people can be assholes and definitely deserve blame for the heinous shit they do to us, but WE are 100% responsible for our reactions to that shit, not them.
So, all in all, it was a rad life lesson about listening to my gut (which I now do regularly), owning my shit (which I do 100% of the time), and forgiving assholes for being assholes and moving on.
And I’ve come to my senses about giving up weddings. I’m good at them. I enjoy them. I’ve come through the grieving process of my own marriage ending and I can look at love with a clear heart again. Time to get back at it. 🙂

Gratitude Without Attitude…It’s been awhile!

Hola people of the world!

It’s been too long since I have expressed my gratitude in writing and I have about 15 minutes to bang this out and get on with my day before my internet craps out again…time for a new modem and router!

Without further ado, today’s Gratitude goes out to:

  1. My Greggor. The funny thing about my husband is that he says he doesn’t, but he really does get me and all my shit and quirks. There’s a song by Kevin Fowler called Hard Man To Love that Greg really likes and I’m 100% sure he likes it because if the word “woman” is inserted everywhere it says “man”, the song pretty much describes life with me…even the part about the kitchen table leaning from where the dude kicked it once (except my line in that song would go something like, “The wind whistling through the picture window from that time I had a hissy fit and smashed the shit out of it when we first started dating and I didn’t know how to control my emotions.”). Even on my worst days – and thank goodness they are few and far between – he still lets me be me and still lets me know when I’m being a total douchebag. A guy who loves me in good times and bad is definitely something to be uber grateful for.
  2. My new teammates and league mates. Ya’ll have just accepted me with open arms and made me feel welcome and appreciated AND you aren’t afraid to remind me to check my attitude if it’s needed. I am so excited about this season. So excited!
  3. Junovious Prime LeFlufy. Best. Dog. Ever. I don’t even have to explain why because those of you who know him will totally understand the why of this gratitude!
  4. My car. She’s a little powerhouse that gets me to so many places, through all kinds of weather, and never complains. I am so grateful to have a reliable car that I never have to worry about when I’m traveling. And she’s ours, all ours!
  5. Snow. I know, so many people detest winter and can’t stand snow – driving in it, shovelling it, etc. I LOVE DRIVING IN SNOW. It challenges my winter driving skills and looks super pretty. Shovelling it gives me a kick ass core, arm and shoulder workout. Who wouldn’t want that?
  6. Kimmobabs. You always let me use you as a guinea pig when I have shooting ideas and you’re always so gracious and funny. You make me happy when we hang out and I think we need to do it a lot more. I’m grateful that, way back when, we found ourselves working together in the same crazy law office, and that we’ve kept up our friendship ever since. Much gratitude to you, my friend. 🙂
  7. Moon! I love you woman and I’m just really grateful that I’m now playing in your league. That is all.
  8. LucyD. You and I have such a great, similar sense of humour. I am grateful for all the laughs you give me…and little Molly’s message about her vagina yesterday! So funny.
  9. Stu & Martina. When I received your Thank You card the other day, I laughed my ass off. It was just so YOU and totally fitting. Stu, you are probably the funniest geeknerd I know and I am grateful that we did our Chem degrees together…and that you’re actually using yours to make the world a better place! I’m also grateful that you met Martina and she loves you all the way up to the moon and back. Your babies are going to be frighteningly intelligent. They will probably end up taking over the world, like that Brain dude in that cartoon…
  10. FloJo. Man, it just doesn’t matter what is going on in your life or how stressful it is or how much shit is going down, you forever remain a compassionate soul and always put others before yourself. I’m grateful that I have you to remind me to be more compassionate to those around me. xoxo
  11. Books. Right now I’m re-reading Mind Gym by Gary Mack, I will teach you to be rich by Ramit Sethi, The Fire Starter Sessions by Danielle LaPorte, and every day I read or re-read a chapter from Buddhist Boot Camp by Timber Hawkeye (and no, that’s not his real name). Every one of them is enhancing my life, my drive, my spirit and my outlook on life. They are all feel good  books and I enjoy feeling good.
  12. My brain. Yes, it’s a bit damaged and sometimes it doesn’t function at optimum capacity, but I am a fairly intelligent gal and I am grateful that I can use my thinker to pull myself out of attitude ruts like the one I was in most of yesterday. It’s nice to know that I can change my outlook just by willing my brain to change its course of thinking. 🙂
  13. Lastly, I’m grateful that I live in one of the most peaceful, safest countries in the world and for the things that I often take advantage of and forget how lucky I am to have-a house, food, money, and my health (mostly!).

I actually have a lot to be grateful for, but I’m at the 14 minute mark and I know internet will be gone in another minute. Hope it gets fixed soon. Ya’ll should spend 15 minutes today writing down what you are grateful for. It will amaze you and lift you up!

Have a great weekend, my friends. I wish you all enough…

Here’s Stu & Martina’s Thank You card. They are both chem geeknerds, hence why this card made me laugh so dang hard!

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The First Ever Roller Derby World Cup: Holy Shitsnacks That Was Epic!

There have been a handful of times in my life when I have felt the overwhelming force of pride rush through me and warm me to my core – at the birth of our daughter,  the first time I landed a double Lutz in figure skating after working on it for nearly a year, the day I received an MVP award for varsity volleyball, the day I graduated from University with my Degree in Chemistry, the day the senior team I coached for two seasons in volleyball won their AAA division final, the day I saw my niece perform at a gymnastics meet for the very first time, the day we held our first official home derby bout after months and months of busting our asses to make it happen, the day I coached some of the ladies I’d also coached as Fresh Meat in their very first bout,  and yesterday, when I watched the final bout of the Blood & Thunder World Cup of Women’s Flat Track Roller Derby between our very own Team Canada and Team USA.

Both teams had a 4-0 record heading into the final game of the tournament, but despite this remarkable statistic, USA derby has been around a lot longer than derby anywhere else and those ladies have their skills, strategies and everything else derby so dialed in that facing them, at this point in the game, is like a Junior hockey team facing off against a team of NHL All stars – both teams have mad skills, but in the scheme of things, it`s truly no contest…not yet anyway!

In a nutshell, despite being the underdogs by an overwhelming margin and going up against skaters who are practically pros in the derby world, Team Canada didn’t let that deter them in their quest to make Team USA and, well, the world, sit up and take notice. They skated their asses off.  When Luludemon picked up Canada’s first five points on a board that already sported 94 points for Team USA, the entire venue thundered with applause and went crazy. In fact, each time Team Canada put up any of its 33 points for the bout, the place erupted.

Why, you ask, would fans be so excited when our team scores, even though the margin between points is still so overwhelming? Well, firstly, our skaters put more points up on the board than all the other four teams who played Team USA managed to put up (combined). And secondly, our ladies used every bit of their mad skills, their extreme athleticism and a truckload of HEART to play against Team USA. They never gave up, never got down, kept their heads and their cool, and kept smiling the entire time.

How many sports do you know of where a team can take a shitkicking and keep standing tall, smiling, hugging and high-fiving the winning team when the game ends? How about a sport where a team can do all that and also celebrate the fact that they took second place? This is Roller Derby.

As I sat there, watching the final game, wincing as our ladies took some incredibly hard hits, cheering as they fought so hard for each point, feeling my heart race as I watched the kick ass skaters whom I’ve skated with, look up to, learn from and respect, the familiar surge of the warmth of pride flowed through me once again and I sat there in awe and gratitude that I am able to play such an incredibly empowering sport made up of such incredibly empowering people.

Holy shitsnacks, Team Canada! That was EPIC! I can’t wait for the next World Cup!

Here are a few of our skaters from Western Canada. I took these at one of our Derby Boot Camps last year when a shoulder injury prevented me from joining in the scrimmage fun!

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Have a great Monday everyone! I wish you all enough…

Gratitude & Attitude: Laughter & Watercolor Death Reminders!

Well, well! Look who seems to be on a writing roll today! Two blogs in less than 12 hours is a bit of a record for me lately.

I was just sitting here, enjoying some Holy Crap and delicious greek yogurt (even though Dairy and I don’t generally mesh well, it seems to be okay if I mix it with my yummy Holy Crap) and I realized it has been months since I have posted a G&A.

Truth be told, I haven’t been feeling terribly grateful for anything lately, but I haven’t been dishing out much attitude either. I’ve been fairly neutral in all things, just keeping my head down, pushing through and getting shit done. Oh oh! There’s that trucker mouth again…more on that in a bit.

I am pressed for time (get it, hahaha, I’m using Word Press and I’m pressed for time…I kill me), so I am going to be  quick and dirty with this one.

Today’s Attitude goes out to:

  1. The dude in Merritt who let his giant Shepard pull him across the parking lot of a gas station, with its tail straight up in the air (dominant aggression) and then freaked out on Greg and told him that we should really train our dog after Juno snapped at his dog (defensive behavior) when it came blustering up to him. If the guy had a friggin’ clue about dog behavior and if he had any control over his dog, he would have recognized that his dog was full of aggressive behavior. If he also had a clue, he would have recognized that our dog did not display any signs of aggression at all and only snapped when the other dog practically tried to jump into our car. I could go on an on about this, but suffice it to say, that guy needs to pull his head out of his ass. Greg is still annoyed about this and I don’t enjoy seeing him annoyed about anything. Boo to uneducated, ignorant dog owners.
  2. PEOPLE WHO STILL DRIVE AND TALK OR TEXT ON THEIR F’N CELL PHONES. EVERY DAY. ALL OVER THIS CITY. If I had a dollar for every person I’ve seen driving and texting or chatting away with their phones in one hand while driving like idiots, I’d have enough to build a brand new, kick ass derby facility by now. GET OFF YOUR F’N PHONE AND PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU ARE DOING. The fact is, hand held cells are ILLEGAL for a reason – they make people die. YES, DUMB ASS, YOU COULD KILL SOMEONE – YOURSELF, YOUR KIDS, SOMEONE ELSE’S KIDS. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU? IS YOUR BRAIN SO SMALL THAT IT CANNOT COMPREHEND THIS? Cell phone = distracting = dead. Period. I yell because I hate it when people can make a huge difference in the world by doing one little thing and they choose to ignore the importance of it. All of you folks out there who talk on your cell phones (without a blue tooth) or text while you are driving (including some of my friends and family members) should be completely ashamed of yourselves for endangering other people’s lives. Think, for a moment, how you would never get over it if you caused an accident and killed someone because you were above the cell phone laws and didn’t think they apply to you. You suck. That is all.
  3. The crazy lady who came into the Ruby Room the other day and turned my day completely upside down and sideways. Although I laugh now, I was not even smiling at the time and kind of wanted to dragon kick her to the face (but she was kind of old and people would have frowned if I busted out my kick ass Bruce Lee moves on a geriatric)…

Okay, enough ranting. Everyone has the right to act like an asshole now and then!

Today’s Gratitude goes out to:

  1. Teresa Schroder for sending me that beautiful watercolor with the poem about grieving on it. It will make a fantastic tattoo and it will always make me think of Cora and Kieran and your little Brielle.
  2. Acid for making me laugh and for making me laugh at her, unintentionally (the other day with the change from the Til thing….lol, sorry, but it was funny).
  3. Kelly at Kamloops Computer Center. I knew there was a reason I should always take my computers to you guys. It’s 1000x better and it was relatively inexpensive compared to buying an entirely new system. I heart good computer techs!
  4. My Greggor. For coming home yesterday, taking one look at my face and coming straight up the stairs to hug me tight and let me cry it out. Who knew we would ever get to the point where one look would be stronger than a million words? Super love.
  5. My brother Dan. His life is so simple compared to so many others, but he still struggles every day and it’s not easy for him. Yet, he keeps smiling when he can and he pushes through all the trials and tribulations of having a mental illness. I’m proud of him. He drives me nuts sometimes, but having him living in our basement has taught me many life lessons lately and I’m grateful for all of them.
  6. Mama Fluf. Out of all the people out there who know what we’ve been through  and what we are still going through, she really seems to feel it too. She lost a granddaughter when Cora died and she still hurts, just like us. It’s nice to know I can talk to her about my feelings and she is there to comfort and support us. Heart.
  7. Beatings…Holy Crap, Greek Yogurt and Baileys and Coffee…thanks for the giggle this morning, I surely needed it. And yes, birds of a feather do fly into airplane propellers together!
  8. Carrie Neal. Your message this morning made me feel all warm and fuzzy and grateful that my words affect people and that I’m not just blabbering incoherently most of the time. Thanks for reminding me that they have a positive effect on some.

Well, that’s it for me. I have a ton of stuff to do today, but wanted to get some of this down on the blog.

I’m actually revamping my blog and website and will be launching the new and improved version some time in December. Stay tuned…

Here’s a pic or three from our recent trip to Vancouver Island…

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Writer’s Block Or, As I Like To Call It, The Bermuda Triangle Without All the Pizzazz

A couple of months ago, I fell over the edge of a gigantic cliff into the abyss known as Writer’s Block. Unlike the Bermuda Triangle, there is no sense of enchantment shrouded in mystery associated with this completely un-exotic location and I am reasonably sure I will find my way out again…someday.

In the meantime, grief-induced insomnia has returned with a vengeance and my mind is a racing, irrational, chaotic mess. The moment a solid, full thought forms in my mind, it immediately sparks another and takes off on an entirely different tangent. For example, this afternoon while I was showering (which is usually the one time of day when I form my best ideas for writing and where I come up with some of my best topics), I flitted through the following thought processes…

This shampoo smells sooooo good, but it really doesn’t do much for my hair, which reminds me, I have to wash the pads in my helmet…and those knee gaskets for Beatings and, oh yah, don’t forget a notebook for bootcamp this weekend. Oh look, a jumping spider is living under the washing machine –looks like a female – I shall call her Henrietta! I wonder why strange things always happen to me, like the lady at the store the other day – what was that all about? Why me?…Hmmm…I should really remove my toenail polish and give myself a pedicure because what if people see my bare feet this weekend? I should call my sister and see how she’s doing at SFU – we just never really talk. I need new laces for my skates – probably have to whip up to Dolson’s in the a.m. I wonder if there’s anywhere good to eat in Armstrong – somewhere healthy. Time to change my tires over to my winters…

And that was only in the first three minutes of my shower. This is what happens to my brain when heartache and grief about Cora start to build up in my sleep-deprived body and I can’t provide myself with the much-needed outlet of writing about my life. Hard core exercise can only do so much to alleviate the toxins that build up while people are grieving – there has to be more of an outlet than the physical aspects.

And, yes, it has been 16 months since Cora died and I still feel my chest constrict and my eyes tear up at least once each day when I think about her. Greg and I watched a story on the news a few nights ago about a boy who was a twin and passed away from cancer when he was three years old. His dad was being interviewed and his eyes were still haunted by the loss of his child four years later and he was still blessed with two remaining children. I couldn’t help but wonder if I will see that haunted look in my eyes for years and years to come. The cold hard fact is that grieving for the loss of a child is not like grieving for the loss of any other loved one. I know, I have grieved for the loss of many people in my life – my grandparents, my mom, friends – nothing even remotely compares to it in my mind. Even the loss of my son at 24.5 weeks in 1997 isn’t comparable to the pain I feel after losing Cora. Every second of every day, I carry the weight of it around with me and try to lead a “normal” life again (whatever that is), but every few weeks, the stress of trying to maintain that normalcy builds up to a pressure point and I suffer small compression fractures in my carefully constructed façade.

It is during times like this (today, for instance) that I feel the need to write most strongly, but something prevents me from sitting down at the keyboard and letting it flow. Instead, my mind tells me that people are tired of reading about my pain and suffering and a ton of them are probably saying, “Get over it already. It was over a year ago.” I’m not sure where this belief stems from, but I have actually seen people roll their eyes if I mention that I’m having a bad day, Cora-wise (when they think I’m not looking, of course). I’ve also noticed a distinct lack of comments or acknowledgements when I post my feelings about Cora on my FB status. Only six months ago, I could post that I was hurting and there would have been a plethora of consolation and support to let me know that people out there were thinking of me – of course, none except a few of them could understand what I was going through, but they were still there to encourage me and let me know I wasn’t alone. If I were to be completely honest with myself, I would acknowledge that most people have probably said all that they can possibly think of to say and now they are either at a loss for words or they have kids and the thought of losing one of them hits so close to their hearts that they can’t even travel down that road by acknowledging that it could, in fact, happen to them.

I understand that feeling. I thought it couldn’t happen to me, again, either. I was wrong. Reality is harsh and difficult to face under trying circumstances, but ignoring it doesn’t make it any less real.

Hence, the Abyss…I want to write, but am not sure what to write about anymore because all I can think about, day and night, is my daughter’s blue, dead eyes, as they removed her from life support and all of our hopes and dreams of a future as a family stopped with her last heartbeats. Our future is still frozen, but everyone else around us keeps living at the speed of light.

Here’s another stark reality for us. I cannot carry another pregnancy unless I get an extremely invasive operation, while pregnant, and even then, nothing is guaranteed. And I’m quite sure, after watching doctors and nurses poke and prod our baby girl in a bazillion different places for nearly the entire 30 hours of her life, that I would NOT be able to undergo any kind of invasive action to keep a baby alive ever again. I’m also certain that after having two perfectly developed, healthy, babies die shortly after birth, for two completely different reasons, somebody, somewhere, is trying to tell me something. Uhm, hellllllooooo, is there anyone in there? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you enjoy these sadistic plucking of your heartstrings?

Who knows, maybe I do. Maybe this lifetime is meant to teach me how to overcome suffering by choosing not to allow myself to suffer, even though tragedy has, literally, plagued a large chunk of my life. Maybe I’m here as an example – to make others see what I’ve gone through and say, “Phew! Thank goodness I’m not her. I should count my lucky stars.”

Of course, looking for reasons and meaning where there are none can make a girl a little crazy…just read the above ramblings and I’m sure you’ll agree.

But despite all of these strong convictions, I still find myself yearning to have a family. I still wish Greg could have another chance to be a father because I know how great he would be. I still feel the pull inside me to feel a baby kick and roll, to feel it dance to the music through my ear buds (like Cora did) and to hear those first cries and see another brand new face, all squished up and angry and beautiful. I still feel the uncontrollable urge to be a mother and to watch my children grow and shape into people I am proud of and love unconditionally.

And, in the face of all of this conflicting emotion, I also feel a complete sense of loss and hopelessness that none of these mixed emotions will ever resolve themselves and I will be plagued by them for the rest of my days. I also feel like the weight of grief pressing down on my shoulders will always be present, jading my chance at being truly happy ever again because, even on my good days, the pain never goes away.

And so, I continue to flit from thought to thought in an intuitive effort to avoid the most painful truths that lie deep within me. Sooner or later, I will have to face my fears, but for now, I’m okay with floating in the Abyss with no oars and no land in sight.

Goodnight my friends. I wish you all enough.